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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.
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Loophole In Curse Lets Archaeologist Off The Hook

CUZCO, PERU—Mystic spirits guarding Sacsayhuamán Archaeological Park acknowledged Tuesday that a loophole in a centuries-old hex had allowed archaeologist Brian Bauer to violate the site's subterranean catacombs without being cursed. "When Professor Bauer entered the forsaken necropolis and disturbed the earthly remains of the fearsome warlord Lloque Yupanqui, a series of unspeakable horrors should have been visited upon him by the ancient forces of evil," said a spokesman for the temple guardians, explaining that because the spirits had left the sarcophagus lid slightly ajar, Bauer technically did not open it, as required by the curse. "While he did not violate the actual letter of the deathly incantations muttered within these walls ages ago, he certainly disrespected their intent. Let all mortals be warned that we are resealing the tomb and carefully reviewing all demon-conjuring bas-relief inscriptions to ensure that, going forward, no act of this kind goes uncursed." At press time, the spirits were deciphering the strange, forgotten language of a corollary to the original hex, hoping it would at least provide a sound basis for them to wreak grave misfortunes upon Professor Bauer's prospects for securing tenure next term.

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