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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Loophole In Curse Lets Archaeologist Off The Hook

CUZCO, PERU—Mystic spirits guarding Sacsayhuamán Archaeological Park acknowledged Tuesday that a loophole in a centuries-old hex had allowed archaeologist Brian Bauer to violate the site's subterranean catacombs without being cursed. "When Professor Bauer entered the forsaken necropolis and disturbed the earthly remains of the fearsome warlord Lloque Yupanqui, a series of unspeakable horrors should have been visited upon him by the ancient forces of evil," said a spokesman for the temple guardians, explaining that because the spirits had left the sarcophagus lid slightly ajar, Bauer technically did not open it, as required by the curse. "While he did not violate the actual letter of the deathly incantations muttered within these walls ages ago, he certainly disrespected their intent. Let all mortals be warned that we are resealing the tomb and carefully reviewing all demon-conjuring bas-relief inscriptions to ensure that, going forward, no act of this kind goes uncursed." At press time, the spirits were deciphering the strange, forgotten language of a corollary to the original hex, hoping it would at least provide a sound basis for them to wreak grave misfortunes upon Professor Bauer's prospects for securing tenure next term.

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