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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
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Loophole In Curse Lets Archaeologist Off The Hook

CUZCO, PERU—Mystic spirits guarding Sacsayhuamán Archaeological Park acknowledged Tuesday that a loophole in a centuries-old hex had allowed archaeologist Brian Bauer to violate the site's subterranean catacombs without being cursed. "When Professor Bauer entered the forsaken necropolis and disturbed the earthly remains of the fearsome warlord Lloque Yupanqui, a series of unspeakable horrors should have been visited upon him by the ancient forces of evil," said a spokesman for the temple guardians, explaining that because the spirits had left the sarcophagus lid slightly ajar, Bauer technically did not open it, as required by the curse. "While he did not violate the actual letter of the deathly incantations muttered within these walls ages ago, he certainly disrespected their intent. Let all mortals be warned that we are resealing the tomb and carefully reviewing all demon-conjuring bas-relief inscriptions to ensure that, going forward, no act of this kind goes uncursed." At press time, the spirits were deciphering the strange, forgotten language of a corollary to the original hex, hoping it would at least provide a sound basis for them to wreak grave misfortunes upon Professor Bauer's prospects for securing tenure next term.

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