Loose Ball Evades Entire NBA

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Strongside/Weakside: Clint Dempsey

Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?

Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

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Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

The Pros And Cons Of Paying College Athletes

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Greatest Undefeated Seasons In Sports History

With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history. 1971 Nebraska Cornhuskers: The Univers...
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Loose Ball Evades Entire NBA

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—A Devin Harris three-point attempt that caromed wildly off the back of the rim during the third quarter of Wednesday night's New York Knicks–New Jersey Nets game has created a disruption involving the entire NBA, with all 450 of the league's players attempting to scoop up the loose ball and gain possession for their respective teams.

NBA officials say the ball initially bounced near the Izod Center sideline, where Nets guard Bobby Simmons jumped, turned, and saved the ball, but inbounded it at a severe enough angle that it struck Knicks forward Al Harrington's shoe. The ball was then sent high into the air, ricocheting in turn up the arena's aisles, into the concession area, out the front entrance, through the parking lot, and on to I-495 East towards Manhattan, leaving multiple flailing players in its wake.

Eyewitnesses said that Nets and Knicks players continued to give chase along the highway and were eventually joined over the next three hours by the Toronto Raptors and Los Angeles Clippers, with players only breaking off their pursuit for a few minutes when Knicks guard Nate Robinson was struck and killed by an oncoming car.

"That's the kind of tenacity I like to see on the court, down the Lincoln Tunnel, and up Broadway," Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni told reporters as a live feed of the bouncing ball revealed that it had entered Philadelphia, where Sixer Andre Iguodala and Cleveland's LeBron James were chasing it around the Liberty Bell. "A willingness to sacrifice one's body by diving into the stands or the Hudson is what separates good teams from great teams."

When no players from the Atlanta Hawks, Indiana Pacers, or Utah Jazz were able to gain possession, the ball continued to bounce along I-95, eventually rolling off at a Washington, D.C. exit. Members of the Washington Wizards and Detroit Pistons then entered the scramble and proceeded to bat the ball through the White House; around the Lincoln Memorial; up, down, and back up the steps of the Washington Monument; into the Holocaust Museum's railcar exhibit; off the Key Bridge; and into the Potomac River, where a combination of tides and splashing from floundering players carried it into the Atlantic Ocean.

Although Toronto's Chris Bosh attempted to call time-out before the ball entered the river, referee Dick Bavetta—who had been chasing the ball through the entirety of its journey in order to monitor any loose ball fouls—said Bosh did not have possession and therefore could not call for a stoppage in play.

"You gotta be kidding me," said Bosh, who needed the rebound to complete a triple-double. "If he would have called that foul on [Pacer's forward Danny] Granger in Delaware this wouldn't even be an issue. No way that trip wasn't intentional."

Starters from the Miami Heat and Charlotte Bobcats spent the next several hours swimming after the ball approximately 90 miles off the coast of Florida, where it ultimately came into the possession of the Cuban military, who would only relinquish the ball to an NBA official. The resulting stoppage in play forced Bavetta to perform a jump ball between Miami's Dwyane Wade, Charlotte's Emeka Okafor, New Orleans' Chris Paul, Orlando's Dwight Howard, and Boston's Kevin Garnett.

Garnett, who had been enjoying the Celtics' Wednesday off, left dinner with his wife and entered the pack of chasing players after observing the loose ball rolling past the restaurant window.

"You got to want it," said Garnett, who tipped the jump ball to Yao Ming, who tipped it to Greg Oden, who tipped it to Pau Gasol, who tipped it onto the back of flatbed truck that was on a container ship headed back to the United States. "Where can I rent a cigarette boat around here?"

The container ship, however, was discovered to be captained by Lakers guard Kobe Bryant, who told reporters that he was ready to go on a fast break when the ball was suddenly knocked out of his hands by "Cuban refugees," who turned out to be disguised members of the San Antonio Spurs and Sacramento Kings.

The ball was batted around the deck for the entirety of the 600-mile trip to Galveston, TX, where the Chicago Bulls, Minnesota Timberwolves, Milwaukee Bucks, and Houston Rockets, alerted by breaking news reports, waited at dockside for the ship's arrival. A large melee ensued, and the ball was tipped nearly 70,000,000 times, working its way to Los Angeles, up towards Big Sur, all through Alcatraz, back down the Pacific Coast Highway, and finally into Oklahoma.

Though multiple shouts of "Same team!" were heard echoing throughout the more than 1 million square miles of the Great Plains, not one member of the 2-20 Oklahoma City Thunder realized that no other basketball organization was around to wrest the ball away from them. The Thunder lost its chance to gain possession when the ball bounced off Kevin Durant's knee into Colorado and over the Rocky Mountains, where Carmello Anthony mishandled it and accidentally tipped it to Shaquille O'Neal. O'Neal, not knowing what was going on, threw the ball into the Grand Canyon, which is where the ball currently sits.

"We're not going into the Grand Canyon," a statement from the National Basketball Players Association read in part. "At this moment all 450 of us can see the ball, but there is a snake near it, and we think it might be poisonous. We will go after the loose ball when the snake leaves."

As of press time, Vince Carter has made absolutely no attempt to get the ball back for the Nets.