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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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Loose First-Grader Brings Home Different Friend Every Time

RENTON, WA—Neighborhood witnesses confirmed Sunday that the McAuliffe’s easy 7-year-old son Dylan always has a steady stream of friends going in and out of the family’s house. “It seems like every weekend that little slut has another friend over: Anton, Darryl, Steph, Sam, Noah—I guess everyone’s getting a turn,” said neighbor Jennifer Cloye, 43, who claimed the first-grader must be working his way through all of Westbrook Elementary, considering how many of his classmates pass through the “friendship brothel.” “Just the other weekend that whore brought home three friends at once for a sleepover. Can you imagine?” Sources also reported that the McAuliffe’s older daughter Kim, 17, was a cold, closed-legged prude.

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