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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Loose First-Grader Brings Home Different Friend Every Time

RENTON, WA—Neighborhood witnesses confirmed Sunday that the McAuliffe’s easy 7-year-old son Dylan always has a steady stream of friends going in and out of the family’s house. “It seems like every weekend that little slut has another friend over: Anton, Darryl, Steph, Sam, Noah—I guess everyone’s getting a turn,” said neighbor Jennifer Cloye, 43, who claimed the first-grader must be working his way through all of Westbrook Elementary, considering how many of his classmates pass through the “friendship brothel.” “Just the other weekend that whore brought home three friends at once for a sleepover. Can you imagine?” Sources also reported that the McAuliffe’s older daughter Kim, 17, was a cold, closed-legged prude.

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