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Loose First-Grader Brings Home Different Friend Every Time

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

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Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

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THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

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Loose First-Grader Brings Home Different Friend Every Time

RENTON, WA—Neighborhood witnesses confirmed Sunday that the McAuliffe’s easy 7-year-old son Dylan always has a steady stream of friends going in and out of the family’s house. “It seems like every weekend that little slut has another friend over: Anton, Darryl, Steph, Sam, Noah—I guess everyone’s getting a turn,” said neighbor Jennifer Cloye, 43, who claimed the first-grader must be working his way through all of Westbrook Elementary, considering how many of his classmates pass through the “friendship brothel.” “Just the other weekend that whore brought home three friends at once for a sleepover. Can you imagine?” Sources also reported that the McAuliffe’s older daughter Kim, 17, was a cold, closed-legged prude.

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