Loose-Knit Community Not Particularly Shattered By Teen’s Death

Top Headlines

Local

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Loose-Knit Community Not Particularly Shattered By Teen’s Death

The people of Winden Falls say they are not at all devastated at the news of local teen Brian Tillerman’s death.
The people of Winden Falls say they are not at all devastated at the news of local teen Brian Tillerman’s death.

WINDEN FALLS, WA—Just days after a fatal accident claimed the life of high school sophomore Brian Tillerman, members of the 16-year-old’s loose-knit hometown of Winden Falls, WA told reporters Thursday they were not all that devastated by the news of his death.

Saying that the tragedy certainly hadn’t touched each of them personally, the 9,300 barely connected Winden Falls residents explained that they did not struggle to absorb the news of Tillerman’s sudden passing and don’t really feel as if a hole has been left in their community.

“I didn’t really know Brian or his family very well, so none of this hits home for me,” said local mother Jessica Winger, who noted that her children didn’t grow up with Tillerman, didn’t play Little League with him, and didn’t see him every day in school, and admitted that, even if they had, she probably wouldn’t remember him. “I can’t say life in Winden Falls has changed in any noticeable way since Brian’s death. And to be honest, it never really crossed my mind to keep him in my thoughts and prayers.”

“I’d say that everyone in town pretty much knows how we’re going to get through the days ahead,” Winger continued. “Frankly, it’ll probably be pretty easy to move on from this.”

Tillerman, who was killed Sunday morning when he lost control of his car on a wet road and skidded into a tree, was described by community members as a student at one of Winden Falls’ two high schools who probably had a group of friends, could have possibly attended church regularly with his parents, and may or may not have had a bright future ahead of him.

Describing their small, quiet village as “cold” and “unwelcoming,” the vast majority of town residents said they would not attend a memorial for Tillerman over the weekend, admitting that coming together in solidarity with their fellow residents actually sounded uncomfortable and seemed like a pretty big hassle.

“This really hasn’t been too hard on all of us,” said Donald Parker, a local general store owner who claimed he doesn’t know or converse with his customers and had no idea whether or not Tillerman came into his shop regularly. “You see, most of the people in Winden Falls haven’t lived in town for too long, and we’re by no means a part of each other’s daily lives, so rallying behind Brian’s family and offering our support didn’t feel at all like the natural thing to do.”

“The thing is, when something like this happens to someone in our community, it pretty much only impacts that one person,” Parker continued. “That’s just how it is in Winden Falls.”

Gloria Murphy, a 66-year-old retiree who has lived for many years on the same street as the Tillermans, confirmed to reporters that she spoke only a few quick words in passing to Brian’s parents and siblings over the past decade. Like most town residents, Murphy said she never invited her fellow townsfolk into her home and pretty much sought to minimize all interactions with those living near her.

“In this town, neighbors definitely don’t count on one another or look after each other—we pretty much just keep to ourselves,” said Murphy, who noted that she hadn’t observed anything close to a community-wide outpouring of sympathy following the accident. “I don’t think anyone around here has ever felt as if their neighbors were like members of their own family, and this accident certainly hasn’t changed that view.”

“People from Winden Falls are definitely not the people you want around you in a time like this,” Murphy added.

Community leaders have reportedly neither reached out to Tillerman’s family nor sought to publicly comfort and reassure residents in the wake of the tragedy, with Winden Falls mayor Toby Leekham noting that he has felt personally unmoved by the teen’s death.

“Townspeople haven’t really mentioned anything about preserving Brian’s memory, so that’s something we probably won’t do,” Mayor Leekham said. “More than anything, I think this tragic accident has demonstrated to everyone just how distant and uncaring the Winden Falls community truly is.”

Added Leekham, “Honestly, most of us have already forgotten all about Brian.”