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Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Lord Under Investigation For Failure To Provide

WASHINGTON, DC—The six-millennia-old sky-father deity Yahweh, worshiped by Christians, Muslims and Jews alike for His alleged all-knowing compassion and vast benevolence toward humanity, refused comment following Monday’s announcement that the U.S. Justice Department will investigate allegations of failure on His part to provide for His approximately 3.5 billion human followers.

According to Justice Department officials, on more than 70 trillion documented occasions, the Lord has failed to provide for dutiful worshippers, allowing them to go without Providence in times of great need and showing little if any of the celebrated deity’s much-touted “boundless love.”

The list of Justice Department allegations ranges from the mundane, such as the Lord’s reported September 1995 refusal to see to it that Terre Haute, IN, Presbyterian Joyce Halstrom receives a new set of drapes for her anniversary, to the catastrophic, such as last year’s Mexico City earthquake, in which God allowed an estimated 150,000 devout Catholics to be crushed to death under tons of debris.

“These are very serious charges,” U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno said. “I can assure you that our department will investigate them fully.”

The allegations directly contradict over 6,000 years of extravagant claims by the Lord’s prophets of “miracle” cures and other forms of all-encompassing heavenly grace.

Immediately following the Justice Department announcement, many of the Lord’s top earthly representatives fled into hiding, including Pope John Paul II, New York’s Cardinal O’Connor, and Rabbi Menachem Schindler, president of the World Orthodox Jewish Congress.

In Rome, an unruly mob surrounded the Panamanian Embassy, where many believe the Pope is currently hiding out and seeking asylum. These reports, however, remain unsubstantiated as of press time.

The Lord did not respond to a federal subpoena ordering him to appear before the investigative commission, and refused to speak to reporters on this or any subject throughout the week.

Efforts on the part of law-enforcement authorities to contact the alleged supreme being via the intercessionary medium of prayer have been equally unsuccessful.

One of the areas in which the Lord has been the most negligent, the Justice Department claims, is in providing His followers with adequate access to education: Fundamentalist Christians remain, after thousands of years, among the least educated groups in the world, ranking below pro-wrestling enthusiasts and carnival workers.

Claims of an eternal “life after death” also remain unconfirmed by deceased believers from around the globe.

“It’s sad to think of the abusive treatment people have received at the hands of their so-called protector,” U.S. Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) said, “especially when you think about all those countless hours they spent in houses of worship rejoicing and loudly bearing thanks and praise.”

The senator noted that, with over 450,000 hymns and songs written about Him, the Lord ranks among the most praised entities ever.

If the charges prove true, the Lord could face up to 3,100 years in jail and/or fines totalling $50 trillion. He would also be forced to return all gratitude and thanks paid to Him by followers, backdated to the dawn of civilization.

Despite the seriousness of the charges, many believers remain loyal to the embattled deity. “I know it seems like the worst thing ever,” said Lynette Maddox, a Flatwoods, KY, manicurist and mother of nine, “but we just have to trust that it’s all part of God’s plan.”

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