Lord Under Investigation For Failure To Provide

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Vol 31 Issue 24

NATO Admits Slovenia, Mummenschanz, Czech Republic

REYKJAVIK, ICELAND—The North Atlantic Treaty Organization welcomed three new members Monday: former Soviet republic Slovenia, Swiss mask-mime troupe Mummenschanz, and the Czech Republic. "We are pleased to welcome three new allies in the peace process," NATO Secretary-General Javier Solana said at a press conference. "We anticipate a long and rewarding relationship with these new members, particularly the one with the crazy tube costumes." After Slovenian and Czech diplomats spoke to the press, Mummenschanz representatives affirmed their commitment to NATO with a whimsical seven-minute performance in which one member wearing a featureless clay mask attempted to imitate the intricately sculptured facial features of a fellow member. In return, Solana pledged the troupe full military backup if attacked, as well as $400 million in toilet-paper aid.

George Lucas Announces Gala 21st Anniversary Star Wars Rerelease

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Next summer's blockbusters will have some old-fashioned competition when the Star Wars trilogy gets a special 21st anniversary re-release in 4,600 theaters nationwide. George Lucas officially announced his rerelease plans Monday at 20th Century Fox headquarters. "In 1998, Star Wars will be 21 years old. As part of the celebration, we wanted to give Star Wars fans of all ages a chance to see the films the way they were meant to be seen—on the big screen," he said. "For the kids who were too young to see these movies when they were out last year, this should be a magical event." Also slated for next year: a special home-video release of Star Wars: Master Edition in celebration of the 16th anniversary of the film's video-store debut in 1982. Lucas promised brand-new footage in all the upcoming releases: "If you haven't seen Return Of The Jedi with the sandstorm scene," he said, "then you haven't seen it at all. You have been ripped off."

The Graying Of America's Prisons

As a result of the crime boom of the '70s and '80s, experts are predicting an explosion in the number of elderly prisoners in the coming decades. What do you think?

We Must Strike Now While England Is Weak!

Fellow Americans, to call for war is to be absolutely certain in one's convictions. And never have I been so certain of the necessity for bloodshed than at this moment in our history, for our enemy—a nation held in contempt by free men the world over—is weak, and her empire is slipping from her once-mighty grip. To speak the name of the tyrant is to befoul the mouth of Democracy. But speak it we must, if only to call the armed might of our nation down upon its foul malignancy. For arm ourselves we must—against the evil that is England!

Entertainment Tonight Acquires Exclusive Preview Footage

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In an unprecedented act of journalistic subterfuge, Entertainment Tonight has acquired preview footage from the set of the upcoming action film Maximum Heat, giving ET viewers a rare opportunity to see a portion of a film that will not be in theaters until fall.

U.S. Secretary Of Beer: 'Woooo!'

WASHINGTON, DC—In a nationally televised press conference, U.S. Secretary of Beer Earl Titleman shouted boisterously and implored the American people to get down, specifically exclaiming, "Woooo!" and raising both fists in the air. The statement marks the most high-profile public pronouncement from the Department of Beer and Malt Liquor since its May 1994 collaboration with the ATF on a landmark kegger. Titleman has come under fire in the past for his liberal stance on shotgunning and his inability to count backwards from 87. "Let's get the ladies in here," urged Titleman in his 23-minute speech. "I'll take 'em all on, 'cause I'm the Big Kahuna, and y'all know what that means."
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Lord Under Investigation For Failure To Provide

WASHINGTON, DC—The six-millennia-old sky-father deity Yahweh, worshiped by Christians, Muslims and Jews alike for His alleged all-knowing compassion and vast benevolence toward humanity, refused comment following Monday's announcement that the U.S. Justice Department will investigate allegations of failure on His part to provide for His approximately 3.5 billion human followers.

Lord Under Investigation For Failure To Provide

According to Justice Department officials, on more than 70 trillion documented occasions, the Lord has failed to provide for dutiful worshippers, allowing them to go without Providence in times of great need and showing little if any of the celebrated deity's much-touted "boundless love."

The list of Justice Department allegations ranges from the mundane, such as the Lord's reported September 1995 refusal to see to it that Terre Haute, IN, Presbyterian Joyce Halstrom receives a new set of drapes for her anniversary, to the catastrophic, such as last year's Mexico City earthquake, in which God allowed an estimated 150,000 devout Catholics to be crushed to death under tons of debris.

"These are very serious charges," U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno said. "I can assure you that our department will investigate them fully."

The allegations directly contradict over 6,000 years of extravagant claims by the Lord's prophets of "miracle" cures and other forms of all-encompassing heavenly grace.

Immediately following the Justice Department announcement, many of the Lord's top earthly representatives fled into hiding, including Pope John Paul II, New York's Cardinal O'Connor, and Rabbi Menachem Schindler, president of the World Orthodox Jewish Congress.

In Rome, an unruly mob surrounded the Panamanian Embassy, where many believe the Pope is currently hiding out and seeking asylum. These reports, however, remain unsubstantiated as of press time.

The Lord did not respond to a federal subpoena ordering him to appear before the investigative commission, and refused to speak to reporters on this or any subject throughout the week.

Efforts on the part of law-enforcement authorities to contact the alleged supreme being via the intercessionary medium of prayer have been equally unsuccessful.

One of the areas in which the Lord has been the most negligent, the Justice Department claims, is in providing His followers with adequate access to education: Fundamentalist Christians remain, after thousands of years, among the least educated groups in the world, ranking below pro-wrestling enthusiasts and carnival workers.

Claims of an eternal "life after death" also remain unconfirmed by deceased believers from around the globe.

"It's sad to think of the abusive treatment people have received at the hands of their so-called protector," U.S. Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) said, "especially when you think about all those countless hours they spent in houses of worship rejoicing and loudly bearing thanks and praise."

The senator noted that, with over 450,000 hymns and songs written about Him, the Lord ranks among the most praised entities ever.

If the charges prove true, the Lord could face up to 3,100 years in jail and/or fines totalling $50 trillion. He would also be forced to return all gratitude and thanks paid to Him by followers, backdated to the dawn of civilization.

Despite the seriousness of the charges, many believers remain loyal to the embattled deity. "I know it seems like the worst thing ever," said Lynette Maddox, a Flatwoods, KY, manicurist and mother of nine, "but we just have to trust that it's all part of God's plan."

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