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Lord Under Investigation For Failure To Provide

WASHINGTON, DC—The six-millennia-old sky-father deity Yahweh, worshiped by Christians, Muslims and Jews alike for His alleged all-knowing compassion and vast benevolence toward humanity, refused comment following Monday’s announcement that the U.S. Justice Department will investigate allegations of failure on His part to provide for His approximately 3.5 billion human followers.

According to Justice Department officials, on more than 70 trillion documented occasions, the Lord has failed to provide for dutiful worshippers, allowing them to go without Providence in times of great need and showing little if any of the celebrated deity’s much-touted “boundless love.”

The list of Justice Department allegations ranges from the mundane, such as the Lord’s reported September 1995 refusal to see to it that Terre Haute, IN, Presbyterian Joyce Halstrom receives a new set of drapes for her anniversary, to the catastrophic, such as last year’s Mexico City earthquake, in which God allowed an estimated 150,000 devout Catholics to be crushed to death under tons of debris.

“These are very serious charges,” U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno said. “I can assure you that our department will investigate them fully.”

The allegations directly contradict over 6,000 years of extravagant claims by the Lord’s prophets of “miracle” cures and other forms of all-encompassing heavenly grace.

Immediately following the Justice Department announcement, many of the Lord’s top earthly representatives fled into hiding, including Pope John Paul II, New York’s Cardinal O’Connor, and Rabbi Menachem Schindler, president of the World Orthodox Jewish Congress.

In Rome, an unruly mob surrounded the Panamanian Embassy, where many believe the Pope is currently hiding out and seeking asylum. These reports, however, remain unsubstantiated as of press time.

The Lord did not respond to a federal subpoena ordering him to appear before the investigative commission, and refused to speak to reporters on this or any subject throughout the week.

Efforts on the part of law-enforcement authorities to contact the alleged supreme being via the intercessionary medium of prayer have been equally unsuccessful.

One of the areas in which the Lord has been the most negligent, the Justice Department claims, is in providing His followers with adequate access to education: Fundamentalist Christians remain, after thousands of years, among the least educated groups in the world, ranking below pro-wrestling enthusiasts and carnival workers.

Claims of an eternal “life after death” also remain unconfirmed by deceased believers from around the globe.

“It’s sad to think of the abusive treatment people have received at the hands of their so-called protector,” U.S. Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) said, “especially when you think about all those countless hours they spent in houses of worship rejoicing and loudly bearing thanks and praise.”

The senator noted that, with over 450,000 hymns and songs written about Him, the Lord ranks among the most praised entities ever.

If the charges prove true, the Lord could face up to 3,100 years in jail and/or fines totalling $50 trillion. He would also be forced to return all gratitude and thanks paid to Him by followers, backdated to the dawn of civilization.

Despite the seriousness of the charges, many believers remain loyal to the embattled deity. “I know it seems like the worst thing ever,” said Lynette Maddox, a Flatwoods, KY, manicurist and mother of nine, “but we just have to trust that it’s all part of God’s plan.”

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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