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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Los Angeles To Siphon Water From Minorities' Bodies

LOS ANGELES—After 12 years of political controversy, legal delays and statewide referendums, California legislative officials and Los Angeles municipal authorities finally greenlighted a proposal Monday to allow water-poor Los Angeles to begin drawing water for public use from the bodies of the metro area's estimated seven million minority residents.

"With its rich tapestry of black, Asian and Hispanic cultures, Los Angeles' diversity is one of its greatest strengths," said L.A. mayor Richard Riordan, announcing the plan. "And with some 15 gallons of water contained within the body of an average 170-pound L.A. minority resident, these people also represent one of our city's great untapped natural resources."

Initially proposed by the Federal Bureau of Reclamation in 1938 and revived by the L.A. Department of Water & Power in 1985, the $10 billion minority-drainage system will draw nearly 100 million gallons of water a year from non-Caucasian residents via an elaborate network of pipelines individually inserted into their bodies. The water will then be pumped to various aquifers and reservoirs throughout the city, where it will be processed and made available for public consumption.

According to Department of Water & Power officials, much of the critically needed water will be used to help fill Los Angeles' estimated 1.5 million glamorous in-ground swimming pools.

"Did you know that Mexicans are 65 percent water?" DWP chairman Kurt McFadden said. "According to our estimates, under the new system, the water from a mere 300 Mexican immigrants—legal or illegal—is all it will take to fill the extra-large pool of a studio executive or agent."

McFadden said the minority-drainage plan will have numerous other benefits, as well. "No longer will the good citizens of places like Santa Monica, Hermosa Beach and Glendale be forced to limit their lawn-watering time to seven hours per day: Soon, they will be able to leave their sprinklers on for literally weeks on end," he said. "And with the new system providing up to 350,000 extra gallons of water per day, the city will finally be able to construct those 14 new luxury waterpark tourist facilities it has been planning for so long."

L.A.'s Minority Water Resources

Sustaining an adequate water supply has long been among the paramount challenges facing Los Angeles. Located within an arid region that, prior to this century, was incapable of sustaining more than a few tiny outposts of settlers, over the past 100 years the sprawling megalopolis has drained countless lakes and rivers—many of them hundreds of miles away—to meet its ever-growing water needs.

The new minority-drainage technology, said to be excruciatingly painful to those being drained, passed in a statewide referendum last April by a considerable margin.

"There was a small group that stood strongly opposed to Proposition M," Los Angeles municipal media-relations liaison Allan Bruford said. "But it was not enough to constitute a majority rule. It is clear that most Angelenos want this system, regardless of a small, vocal minority."

Despite winning at the polling booth, the new water system had been delayed since April, largely due to unresolved questions regarding which municipalities should receive most of the water; the means by which the individuals to be siphoned will be selected; and what disposal method will be used for the thousands of withered, shrunken human corpses the system produces as waste per hour.

With a majority of the questions finally resolved, initial testing of the pipeline will commence next week. African-American males over the age of 65 have been selected as the first group to be siphoned, with different ethnic and age groups slated to be added over the next nine months as the system is raised to full-flow capacity.

"By this time next week," McFadden said, "there will be more than 50,000 Watts residents of hydroelectric power coursing through this city."

Despite its many benefits, the project is not without its detractors. "What the city of Los Angeles is doing is nothing less than an inhuman, criminal violation of the public interest," Fifth District Councilman Marv Salerno said. "Under the current plan, the city would need to siphon over 12,000 minority citizens a day just to meet its estimated minimum needs. At that rate, L.A. will have completely exhausted its available supply of minorities by the year 2002. What we need is a sensible long-term minority-conservation policy that will ensure the annual regrowth of enough new minority residents to provide us with an indefinite supply of renewable human water sources."

Responding to Salerno, McFadden said that by the time Los Angeles depletes its own minority supply, the system will be upgraded and augmented to reach minorities in neighboring states.

"Phoenix, AZ, a city rich in Hispanics and blacks, is only 350 miles away," McFadden said. "Pipelines many times that length have sent oil from Alaska to the mainland U.S. for decades, so there's no reason to think we can't do it here. L.A. has the technology."

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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