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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Loser Can't Even Get Wife Pregnant

MARSHFIELD, WI—After three years of trying, pathetic loser Ron Dreschel can't even get his wife Marisa pregnant, sources at the Marshfield Clinic reported Tuesday. "Ha, poor Ronny Dreschel can't even knock up his own old lady!" fertility counselor Derek Vojtik said. "What's the matter? Problems with sperm motility?" Dreschel was unavailable for comment.

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