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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Loser Congressman Carries Around Pocket-Sized Version Of Constitution Everywhere

WASHINGTON— Congressional sources confirmed Thursday that “huge nerd” and loser Rep. Daniel Lipinski (D-IL) continues to insist on carrying around a pocket-sized version of the U.S. Constitution at all times. “When he says things like, ‘It’s always good to have one of these handy,’ I kind of just want to punch the little pip-squeak in the mouth,” Sen. John Boozman (R-AR) said of Lipinski, adding that the dorky, four-term congressman can often be seen eating lunch and reading his tiny little book all by himself. “He’s also highlighted parts of it and dog-eared the page where the First Amendment is. There’s no way this dweeb has ever gotten laid, right?” When asked for comment, Lipinski pulled out his mini Constitution and, before he could finish saying “This is what we were elected to uphold,” was loudly told to just give it a rest already.

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