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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Loser Congressman Carries Around Pocket-Sized Version Of Constitution Everywhere

WASHINGTON— Congressional sources confirmed Thursday that “huge nerd” and loser Rep. Daniel Lipinski (D-IL) continues to insist on carrying around a pocket-sized version of the U.S. Constitution at all times. “When he says things like, ‘It’s always good to have one of these handy,’ I kind of just want to punch the little pip-squeak in the mouth,” Sen. John Boozman (R-AR) said of Lipinski, adding that the dorky, four-term congressman can often be seen eating lunch and reading his tiny little book all by himself. “He’s also highlighted parts of it and dog-eared the page where the First Amendment is. There’s no way this dweeb has ever gotten laid, right?” When asked for comment, Lipinski pulled out his mini Constitution and, before he could finish saying “This is what we were elected to uphold,” was loudly told to just give it a rest already.

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