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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Loser Congressman Carries Around Pocket-Sized Version Of Constitution Everywhere

WASHINGTON— Congressional sources confirmed Thursday that “huge nerd” and loser Rep. Daniel Lipinski (D-IL) continues to insist on carrying around a pocket-sized version of the U.S. Constitution at all times. “When he says things like, ‘It’s always good to have one of these handy,’ I kind of just want to punch the little pip-squeak in the mouth,” Sen. John Boozman (R-AR) said of Lipinski, adding that the dorky, four-term congressman can often be seen eating lunch and reading his tiny little book all by himself. “He’s also highlighted parts of it and dog-eared the page where the First Amendment is. There’s no way this dweeb has ever gotten laid, right?” When asked for comment, Lipinski pulled out his mini Constitution and, before he could finish saying “This is what we were elected to uphold,” was loudly told to just give it a rest already.

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