Loser Friend Sort Of Doing Better

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Election 2016

Loser Friend Sort Of Doing Better

ANAHEIM, CA—Despite a long history of unstable living arrangements, failed relationships, and an overall inability to get his shit together, Ted Harmon's life may have slightly improved since anyone saw him last, friends of the longtime loser reported Monday.

"He was real messed up over losing his job last year, but he's apparently looking for a new one now," Harmon's friend Kelly Myers told mutual acquaintance Sandy Upton, adding that Harmon finally got that tooth fixed. "And [mutual friend] Bob [Vindermeyer] told me he heard [Harmon] might be trying to start patching things up with his daughter."

Harmon was unreachable for comment.