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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Loser Older Brother Looked Up To

WORCESTER, MA—Though on probation for shoplifting a key chain from a local auto parts store and unemployed since dropping out of high school seven months ago, 18-year-old loser Tim Everdyke still commands the unwavering adulation of his younger brother, Jason, 12.

"Tim is so cool," Jason said of Everdyke, to whom he recently lent his entire weekly allowance of $18. "He rides an awesome moped and he lives in the basement, plus he sleeps in as late as he wants, sometimes until like four in the afternoon."

Jason had little to say about his "lame" older sister, ultrasound technician Christine Everdyke, 26, other than to point out that she had never once passed out drunk in a stone quarry.

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