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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Loser Older Brother Looked Up To

WORCESTER, MA—Though on probation for shoplifting a key chain from a local auto parts store and unemployed since dropping out of high school seven months ago, 18-year-old loser Tim Everdyke still commands the unwavering adulation of his younger brother, Jason, 12.

"Tim is so cool," Jason said of Everdyke, to whom he recently lent his entire weekly allowance of $18. "He rides an awesome moped and he lives in the basement, plus he sleeps in as late as he wants, sometimes until like four in the afternoon."

Jason had little to say about his "lame" older sister, ultrasound technician Christine Everdyke, 26, other than to point out that she had never once passed out drunk in a stone quarry.

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