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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Loser Older Brother Looked Up To

WORCESTER, MA—Though on probation for shoplifting a key chain from a local auto parts store and unemployed since dropping out of high school seven months ago, 18-year-old loser Tim Everdyke still commands the unwavering adulation of his younger brother, Jason, 12.

"Tim is so cool," Jason said of Everdyke, to whom he recently lent his entire weekly allowance of $18. "He rides an awesome moped and he lives in the basement, plus he sleeps in as late as he wants, sometimes until like four in the afternoon."

Jason had little to say about his "lame" older sister, ultrasound technician Christine Everdyke, 26, other than to point out that she had never once passed out drunk in a stone quarry.

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