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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Loser Older Brother Looked Up To

WORCESTER, MA—Though on probation for shoplifting a key chain from a local auto parts store and unemployed since dropping out of high school seven months ago, 18-year-old loser Tim Everdyke still commands the unwavering adulation of his younger brother, Jason, 12.

"Tim is so cool," Jason said of Everdyke, to whom he recently lent his entire weekly allowance of $18. "He rides an awesome moped and he lives in the basement, plus he sleeps in as late as he wants, sometimes until like four in the afternoon."

Jason had little to say about his "lame" older sister, ultrasound technician Christine Everdyke, 26, other than to point out that she had never once passed out drunk in a stone quarry.

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