Losing Super Bowl Team Gets Locker-Room Condolence Call From John Kerry

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Vol 41 Issue 52

Saturn Probe To Be Biggest Story Of The Year

PASADENA, CA—A mere two weeks into the New Year, already what will undoubtedly be the biggest story of the year will have taken place: the upcoming Jan. 14 landing of the Huygens space probe on Titan, Saturn's immense moon.

Well-Rested Bush At The Top Of His Game

CRAWFORD, TX—Fit, trim, confident in his power base, and above all well-rested following a four-week, three-day vacation at his Crawford ranch, President Bush is currently in the prime of his presidential form, pundits say.

April Comes To A Close

WASHINGTON, DC—Experts at the Naval Observatory report that April, as it has every year at this time since records were kept, is progressing to an end.

Deep Fruit Revealed To Be Charles Nelson Reilly

NEW YORK—The identity of Deep Fruit, the source that brought down a studio audience in the Waterblank scandal in 1973, was revealed to be actor and Match Game panelist Charles Nelson Reilly, in an article published in Vanity Fair today.

Tracking Bush's Approval Rating

In 2005, the nation's confidence in President Bush reached an all-time low. What are the events that triggered the most significant changes in his approval rating?
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Spring

Losing Super Bowl Team Gets Locker-Room Condolence Call From John Kerry

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Battered and demoralized after their 24-21 defeat at the hands of the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XXXIX Sunday, the Philadelphia Eagles had their mood reinforced by a locker-room call from defeated presidential challenger John Kerry. "What'd we talk about? Oh, you know, losing the biggest game of all against a national audience, most of whom didn't really care anyway," said Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, who like Kerry had a less-than-stellar showing. "And how hard it is to watch those smug, self-satisfied, so-called Patriots strut around like peacocks afterwards. I could relate." Kerry also gave the Eagles advice on keeping their team's game plan from becoming muddled and inconsistent, and showing decisive leadership in the wake of a big loss.
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