From the Onion Prison Channel: Prison analysts warn rising inflation could devalue everything from rim jobs to shivs.
JACKSONVILLE, FLBattered and demoralized after their 24-21 defeat at the hands of the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XXXIX Sunday, the Philadelphia Eagles had their mood reinforced by a locker-room call from defeated presidential challenger John Kerry. "What'd we talk about? Oh, you know, losing the biggest game of all against a national audience, most of whom didn't really care anyway," said Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, who like Kerry had a less-than-stellar showing. "And how hard it is to watch those smug, self-satisfied, so-called Patriots strut around like peacocks afterwards. I could relate." Kerry also gave the Eagles advice on keeping their team's game plan from becoming muddled and inconsistent, and showing decisive leadership in the wake of a big loss.