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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Loss Of Virginity More Humiliating Than Original Virginity

COLUMBUS, OH—The shame, humiliation, and ridicule local teen Brandon Means suffered from being the only member of his peer group still burdened with his own virginity were nothing compared to what he felt on the night he finally lost it, the 17-year-old said Monday. "I have never been so embarrassed in all of my life," Means said of the Saturday night fiasco. After some awkward fumbling, Means prematurely ejaculated, and, while trying to clean the semen off himself and girlfriend Kassi Helms, also 17, with a sock from his bedroom floor, he managed only to smear them both with lint. "There was this moment when I was on top of her and she realized I really didn't know where her [vagina] was, so she kind of had to steer my [penis] inside it, but at that point I was so demoralized that I lost my [erection]." Means added that when he heard his father enter the house, forcing both teenagers to immediately stop and clothe themselves, he had never felt a stronger sense of relief.

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