adBlockCheck

Loss Of Virginity More Humiliating Than Original Virginity

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Loss Of Virginity More Humiliating Than Original Virginity

COLUMBUS, OH—The shame, humiliation, and ridicule local teen Brandon Means suffered from being the only member of his peer group still burdened with his own virginity were nothing compared to what he felt on the night he finally lost it, the 17-year-old said Monday. "I have never been so embarrassed in all of my life," Means said of the Saturday night fiasco. After some awkward fumbling, Means prematurely ejaculated, and, while trying to clean the semen off himself and girlfriend Kassi Helms, also 17, with a sock from his bedroom floor, he managed only to smear them both with lint. "There was this moment when I was on top of her and she realized I really didn't know where her [vagina] was, so she kind of had to steer my [penis] inside it, but at that point I was so demoralized that I lost my [erection]." Means added that when he heard his father enter the house, forcing both teenagers to immediately stop and clothe themselves, he had never felt a stronger sense of relief.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close