adBlockCheck

Local

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.
End Of Section
  • More News

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn. “Friendly, smart, super-sweet BAILEY,” read the poster that reportedly would not shut up about the “beloved and precious” animal that, observers noted, was nevertheless somehow allowed to slip out of the house. “Responds to her name and never, ever bites!” At press time, several sources reported seeing a dog similar to Bailey running in and out of traffic like an idiot.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close