adBlockCheck

Lot Of Bold Talk About Making Broth Going Around Apartment

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Lot Of Bold Talk About Making Broth Going Around Apartment

CHICAGO—Considering the bold words being bandied about haven’t amounted to anything yet, there sure is a lot of serious talk about making broth going on right now in a local apartment on West Charleston Street, reports confirmed Wednesday. “I was thinking I might make some broth for tonight,” said roommate Ryan Benson, who talked a pretty big game about “throwing in some beef bones” but had yet to actually grow a fucking pair, step up to the stove, and slowly simmer some meaty, thick-marrowed bones in order to draw out their subtle flavors. “You just have to boil water in a stockpot and then put in whatever you want. It’s easy.” At press time, skeptical sources indicated that a lot of cavalier boasts of maybe heading down to the farmer’s market to pick up some fresh carrots and celery had yet to a result in any apartment occupants enjoying a goddamn bowl of hearty stew.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close