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Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Lot Of Bold Talk About Making Broth Going Around Apartment

CHICAGO—Considering the bold words being bandied about haven’t amounted to anything yet, there sure is a lot of serious talk about making broth going on right now in a local apartment on West Charleston Street, reports confirmed Wednesday. “I was thinking I might make some broth for tonight,” said roommate Ryan Benson, who talked a pretty big game about “throwing in some beef bones” but had yet to actually grow a fucking pair, step up to the stove, and slowly simmer some meaty, thick-marrowed bones in order to draw out their subtle flavors. “You just have to boil water in a stockpot and then put in whatever you want. It’s easy.” At press time, skeptical sources indicated that a lot of cavalier boasts of maybe heading down to the farmer’s market to pick up some fresh carrots and celery had yet to a result in any apartment occupants enjoying a goddamn bowl of hearty stew.

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