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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Lot Of Bold Talk About Making Broth Going Around Apartment

CHICAGO—Considering the bold words being bandied about haven’t amounted to anything yet, there sure is a lot of serious talk about making broth going on right now in a local apartment on West Charleston Street, reports confirmed Wednesday. “I was thinking I might make some broth for tonight,” said roommate Ryan Benson, who talked a pretty big game about “throwing in some beef bones” but had yet to actually grow a fucking pair, step up to the stove, and slowly simmer some meaty, thick-marrowed bones in order to draw out their subtle flavors. “You just have to boil water in a stockpot and then put in whatever you want. It’s easy.” At press time, skeptical sources indicated that a lot of cavalier boasts of maybe heading down to the farmer’s market to pick up some fresh carrots and celery had yet to a result in any apartment occupants enjoying a goddamn bowl of hearty stew.

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