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Lou Piniella Appeals For Suspension To Last For Entire Contract

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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Lou Piniella Appeals For Suspension To Last For Entire Contract

CHICAGO—After MLB executive vice president for administration John McHale Jr. announced that Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella would be suspended for four games following his recent tirade, Piniella immediately appealed for his suspension to be extended for the duration of his contract. "What I did was inexcusable and I deserve to be punished to the fullest extent," said Piniella, whom observers say appeared contrite and apologetic. "This kind of on-field behavior is unprofessional and needs to be stopped, and Major League Baseball should make an example out of me by taking away the wonderful privilege of coaching the Chicago Cubs for the next three seasons. Please." Piniella ended his appeal by saying he had learned his lesson and that next time he would punch the umpire the first chance he got.

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