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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Lou Piniella Lauded For Not Getting Anyone's Hopes Up This Year

CHICAGO—Cubs fans, players, and employees alike are universally praising manager Lou Piniella for masterfully lowering their expectations and preparing them much earlier in the season for another year without a World Series victory. "The last two seasons have been heartbreaking, but this year he's done an incredible job of showing everyone the Cubs don't have a chance in hell way before we can start getting optimistic," said lifelong Cubs fan and Wilmette resident Michael Baskin, who added that he was excited to not worry about a postseason meltdown. "That's exactly what any real Cubs fan wants in a manager. He really earned his money this year." Baskin went on to clarify that he would never consider stabbing Piniella with an ice pick, nor have he and his friends ever fantasized about surrounding the Cubs manager in the Wrigley Field parking lot and brutally beating him to death with baseball bats.

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