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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Lou Piniella Lauded For Not Getting Anyone's Hopes Up This Year

CHICAGO—Cubs fans, players, and employees alike are universally praising manager Lou Piniella for masterfully lowering their expectations and preparing them much earlier in the season for another year without a World Series victory. "The last two seasons have been heartbreaking, but this year he's done an incredible job of showing everyone the Cubs don't have a chance in hell way before we can start getting optimistic," said lifelong Cubs fan and Wilmette resident Michael Baskin, who added that he was excited to not worry about a postseason meltdown. "That's exactly what any real Cubs fan wants in a manager. He really earned his money this year." Baskin went on to clarify that he would never consider stabbing Piniella with an ice pick, nor have he and his friends ever fantasized about surrounding the Cubs manager in the Wrigley Field parking lot and brutally beating him to death with baseball bats.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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