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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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'Loud, Desperate Need For Approval' Leads Tony Nominations

NEW YORK­­—With the announcement of the 67th Annual Tony Award nominations Tuesday morning, new Broadway musical Loud, Desperate Need For Approval is leading the pack with an impressive 13 nominations while chief rival Look At Me, Look At Me, Please, God, Look At Me follows close behind with 11 nods in many of the same categories. “This has been an incredible year for Broadway; so competitive, in fact, that even a great show like All-Consuming Narcissism might actually get shut out,” said Deadline.com entertainment reporter Mike Fleming Jr., who went on to say that competition for actors is equally fierce as heavyweights Bottomless Need For Validation Stemming From Childhood Neglect and Naked Self-Obsession face off for best leading actor in a play. “The adaptation of Shrill, Needy Histrionics got a surprising amount of love from Tony nominators for a play that closed in March to mixed reviews, but perhaps the biggest surprise is British import Shameless And Barely Disguised Cry For Attention’s snub. No one saw that coming.” According to sources, despite the buzz surrounding Flashy, Masturbatory Horseshit for best revival of a musical, sources confirm that it is almost certainly Pippin’s year.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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