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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Loud Fake Laugh Misinterpreted As Loud Real Laugh In Critical Sarcasm Miscalculation

DAYTON, OH—Confusion and awkwardness are still being felt after a boisterous guffaw intended to convey sarcastic dismissal of a comment was incorrectly interpreted as a positive response by the very person who was being mocked Tuesday. "My laughter led the speaker to infer that I was expressing approval and delight at his statement, and he therefore came away believing that I was supporting said statement when I was in fact ridiculing it," Clayton Obermeyer said of his remarks to coworker Derek Havers. "However, despite my heartfelt desire to puncture the arrogance of the speaker, an unfortunate opposite reaction seems to have taken hold." Obermeyer said he was really looking forward to attempting to explain the nature of sarcasm to Havers, because he was just so sure that the absolute genius would completely grasp every last word without the slightest little bit of trouble whatsoever.

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