adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Louisville Overcomes Early First-Round Loss To Advance To Elite Eight

SAN ANTONIO—After a slow start last Thursday in which they were upset in the first round by 13-seed Morehead State, the Louisville Cardinals have come roaring back in the NCAA Tournament, putting together several dominating performances and advancing to the Elite Eight. "Our guys didn't expect to lose that early, but if anything, that woke us up and made us realize how bad we really want this thing," said head coach Rick Pitino, adding that he was proud of his players for never giving up. "We're right back in it. And though we can't afford to lose too many more games, I've told our players that if we just concentrate on winning out, we can bring a title back to Louisville." In order to advance to the Final Four, the Cardinals will have to defeat a very strong Pitt team, who many analysts have dubbed the "Comeback Kids" for the way in which they rebounded from their early-round loss to Butler.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close