adBlockCheck

Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors

Top Headlines

Local

Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors

CLOTTS, IN—The residents of Clotts have been getting quite an education in foreign cultures since the recent arrival of immigrant Nigel Edney, a real live Cockney from London, England. And with a colorful accent and a nimble wit to match, this tenacious teabag is fast capturing the hearts of his new neighbors.

London-born Nigel Edney has won over the whole town of Clotts, IN, with his quaint British expressions, like, "Oh, God 'elp me!" and "Me wife and baby grandchild are in 'ere! 'Elp!—'Ey're goin' t'die!"

"'Elp, 'elp, me 'ouse is on fire!" Edney told the neighbors and members of the news media who had gathered to watch the plucky little gent in his latest misadventure. "I think it started in the gare-age! Please, ring up the fire brigade, me wife and baby grandchild are in 'ere!"

The native population of England, called the "British," are diverse in class and income, but the most lovable of all is the Cockney, a lower-class Londoner. Known as a drinker and carouser, and frequently out of work, the Cockney greets the world with a smile and a saucy wink, for he knows that life is but an elaborate charade.

That irreverent yet exuberant attitude came into play as Edney ran about on his stout little legs and waved his stumpy arms frantically.

"Oh, God 'elp me!" Edney shouted to his neighbors, who couldn't help but chuckle at Edney's beet-red expression. "Edna and the li'l lad is in 'at 'ouse! For the love of God, I'm begging you! 'Ey're goin' t'die in 'ere if somebody don't come 'elp!"

"He's just so cute!" said Harriet Gustafson, one of many charmed neighbors. "He has a little ruddy face and wears his little tweed cap cocked to one side. Just like Andy Capp!"

Not surprisingly, Edney's newfound American friends sometimes have a bit of trouble understanding just what the funny fellow is saying. Just last week, Edney complained to his landlord that the "telly" that came with his "bed-sit" sometimes shot off "sparks" and at one point caused his "drapes" to "smolder."

"I still can't figure out what he meant," shrugged Delmore Properties president Jim Delmore. "He just talks so crazy!"

But even if he doesn't always make himself understood, Edney's hardly one to let that stop him: "'Ere, give us a 'and with this 'ose! No, the 'ose, the 'ose! Oh, dear God, the smoke is just too thick! Oh, poor Edna! And li'l Timmy! 'Elp! Fire! For the love of God—firemen, please 'urry!"

"Look at him," neighbor Nancy Marcus cooed. "With his face all covered in soot and ash, he looks just like one of those chimneysweeps from Mary Poppins!"

But, as always, Edney is ever ready with a snappy answer. "'Elp! 'Urry! You sodding, rotten, bloody, uncaring bastards! Rot, I say! Rot in 'ell, the whole bloody stinkin' lot of you!"

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close