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CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO

Though today he holds a powerful position as head of a leading information technology firm, MergeMedia CEO Gary Lightman told reporters Thursday he, amazingly, worked his way to the very top of the company from humble beginnings as the son of the previous...

Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors

CLOTTS, IN—The residents of Clotts have been getting quite an education in foreign cultures since the recent arrival of immigrant Nigel Edney, a real live Cockney from London, England. And with a colorful accent and a nimble wit to match, this tenacious teabag is fast capturing the hearts of his new neighbors.

London-born Nigel Edney has won over the whole town of Clotts, IN, with his quaint British expressions, like, "Oh, God 'elp me!" and "Me wife and baby grandchild are in 'ere! 'Elp!—'Ey're goin' t'die!"

"'Elp, 'elp, me 'ouse is on fire!" Edney told the neighbors and members of the news media who had gathered to watch the plucky little gent in his latest misadventure. "I think it started in the gare-age! Please, ring up the fire brigade, me wife and baby grandchild are in 'ere!"

The native population of England, called the "British," are diverse in class and income, but the most lovable of all is the Cockney, a lower-class Londoner. Known as a drinker and carouser, and frequently out of work, the Cockney greets the world with a smile and a saucy wink, for he knows that life is but an elaborate charade.

That irreverent yet exuberant attitude came into play as Edney ran about on his stout little legs and waved his stumpy arms frantically.

"Oh, God 'elp me!" Edney shouted to his neighbors, who couldn't help but chuckle at Edney's beet-red expression. "Edna and the li'l lad is in 'at 'ouse! For the love of God, I'm begging you! 'Ey're goin' t'die in 'ere if somebody don't come 'elp!"

"He's just so cute!" said Harriet Gustafson, one of many charmed neighbors. "He has a little ruddy face and wears his little tweed cap cocked to one side. Just like Andy Capp!"

Not surprisingly, Edney's newfound American friends sometimes have a bit of trouble understanding just what the funny fellow is saying. Just last week, Edney complained to his landlord that the "telly" that came with his "bed-sit" sometimes shot off "sparks" and at one point caused his "drapes" to "smolder."

"I still can't figure out what he meant," shrugged Delmore Properties president Jim Delmore. "He just talks so crazy!"

But even if he doesn't always make himself understood, Edney's hardly one to let that stop him: "'Ere, give us a 'and with this 'ose! No, the 'ose, the 'ose! Oh, dear God, the smoke is just too thick! Oh, poor Edna! And li'l Timmy! 'Elp! Fire! For the love of God—firemen, please 'urry!"

"Look at him," neighbor Nancy Marcus cooed. "With his face all covered in soot and ash, he looks just like one of those chimneysweeps from Mary Poppins!"

But, as always, Edney is ever ready with a snappy answer. "'Elp! 'Urry! You sodding, rotten, bloody, uncaring bastards! Rot, I say! Rot in 'ell, the whole bloody stinkin' lot of you!"

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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