Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors:

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Vol 32 Issue 12

Man Has Amazing Ass

TASHEN, OH—Sculpted, tight, and slightly lofted, resident Lance Holdger's ass is naturally tan and completely hairless.

Area Panties In A Bunch

CROSS PLAINS, GA—According to Cross Plains police, a pair of panties was discovered Monday wound up in a bunch and badly in need of loosening. "Whoever owned these panties," Cross Plains police chief Raymond Zorn said, "obviously needed to relax.” Failure to chill out, Zorn said, is the number one reason over three million pairs of panties become bunched in the U.S. each year. Zorn said it is still too early to tell if there is a connection between the panty-bunching incident and Friday’s discovery of a pair of Atlanta-area undies in a bundle.

Charlton Heston Gets Serious

HOLLYWOOD, CA—After nearly 40 years of wacky, lighthearted comedic roles, actor Charlton Heston finally got serious Tuesday, accepting a part in a four-hour Biblical epic to air on TNT. "I have spent my entire career doing pratfalls and mugging for the camera," Heston said. "Now I intend to wipe the smirk off my face and take on a serious, dramatic role." In the TNT drama, titled The Holy Bible, Heston will play the Biblical character Moses. Asked if he expects the transition from comedy to drama to be difficult, Heston said: "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned, dirty apes!"

Congress Names Very Special Prosecutor

WASHINGTON, DC—In its most inspirational appointment in years, Congress named Michael Barnett, a 15-year-old Baltimore boy with Down Syndrome, Very Special Prosecutor to the ongoing White House fundraising investigation Monday. "Michael is very special. He is fun, loves to laugh, and is always smiling," U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson (R-TN) said. When informed of his appointment, Barnett waved a pen and said, "I’m a special boy!" He then accidentally signed an order for the Marines to seize all private property in the U.S. Thompson quickly nullified the order, saying, "Michael is very special, and I know he’ll be trying very hard. And that’s what’s important."

Coroner's Report: John Denver Had Sunshine On Shoulders At Time Of Crash

MONTEREY, CA—According to a Monterey County coroner’s report released Monday, singer John Denver had a shoulder-sunshine level of .27—more than two times the legal limit—at the time of his fatal airplane crash into Monterey Bay on Oct. 12. "Our autopsy discovered a substantial quantity of sunshine on and around Mr. Denver’s shoulders, more than enough to make him high," Monterey County chief coroner Richard Bozell said. "It is my opinion that it would be difficult for even the most experienced pilot to safely operate an aircraft while high on that much sunshine." Denver, who battled sunshine addiction throughout his career, was 53.

Hero Firefighter: 'I'm A Hero'

MIDLAND, TX—Local firefighter Brent Koonce, who rescued an infant trapped at the bottom of a 40-foot well Monday, is being roundly hailed by himself as a hero this week. "What I did was incredibly brave," said Koonce, who descended all the way down the three-foot-wide well to recover eight-month-old Midland resident Melissa Sims. "In selflessly risking my own life to rescue little Melissa, I am an inspiration to those around me and proof that heroes do exist," he said. Koonce noted that once the girl was recovered, he performed rescue breathing on her, reviving her from a semi-conscious state. "I saved this child," he said. "I am Yahweh, Giver Of Life."

Drug Use Down Among Uncool Kids

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a study released Monday by the Department of Health and Human Services, drug use is on the decline among uncool kids in the U.S.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors:

CLOTTS, VT—The residents of Clotts have been getting quite an education in foreign cultures since the recent arrival of immigrant Nigel Edney, a real live Cockney from London, England. And with a colorful accent and a nimble wit to match, this tenacious teabag is fast capturing the hearts of his new neighbors.

London-born Nigel Edney has won over the whole town of Clotts, IN, with his quaint British expressions, like, "Oh, God 'elp me!" and "Me wife and me baby grandchild are in 'ere! 'Elp! 'Ey're goin' t'die!"

"'Elp, 'elp, me 'ouse is on fire!" Edney told the neighbors and members of the news media who had gathered to watch the plucky little gent in his latest misadventure. "I think it started in the gare-age! Please, ring up the fire brigade, me wife and baby grandchild are in 'ere!"

The native population of England, known as the "British," are diverse in class and income, but the most lovable of all is the Cockney, a lower-class Londoner. Known as a drinker and carouser, and frequently out of work, the Cockney greets the world with a smile and a saucy wink, for he knows that life is but an elaborate charade.

That irreverent yet exuberant attitude was well evident as Edney ran about on his stout little legs and waved his stumpy arms frantically.

"Oh, God, 'elp me!" Edney shouted to his neighbors, who couldn't help but chuckle at Edney's beet-red expression. "Edna and the li'l lad is in 'at 'ouse! For the love of God, I'm begging you! 'Ey're goin' t'die in 'ere if somebody don't come 'elp!"

"He's just so cute!" said Harriet Gustafson, one of many charmed neighbors. "He has a little ruddy face and wears his little tweed cap cocked to one side. Just like Andy Capp!"

Not surprisingly, Edney's newfound American friends sometimes have a bit of trouble understanding just what the funny fellow is saying. Just last week, Edney complained to his landlord that the "telly" that came with his "bed-sit" sometimes shot off "sparks" and at one point caused his "drapes" to "smolder."

"I still can't figure out what he meant," shrugged Delmore Properties president Jim Delmore. "He just talks so crazy!"

But even if he doesn't always make himself understood, Edney's hardly one to let that stop him: "'Ere, give us a 'and with this 'ose! No, the 'ose, the 'ose! Oh, dear God, the smoke is just too thick! Oh, poor Edna! And li'l Timmy! 'Elp! Fire! For the love of God—firemen, please 'urry!"

"Look at him," neighbor Nancy Marcus cooed. "With his face all covered in soot and ash, he looks just like one of those chimneysweeps from Mary Poppins!"

But, as always, Edney is ever ready with a snappy answer. "'Elp! 'Urry! You sodding, rotten, bloody, uncaring bastards! Rot, I say! Rot in 'ell, the whole bloody stinkin' lot of you!"

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