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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Lovable Prankster Pedro Martinez Admits He Was Never Really Hurt

NEW YORK—Following another impressive start Monday, enigmatic but lovable Mets clubhouse joker Pedro Martinez informed reporters that he was "just kidding" about his arm injury, rotator-cuff surgery, and yearlong stint on the DL, playfully shrugging his shoulders and grinning in a fashion Mets officials are calling "vintage Pedro." "Boy, are our faces red," said Mets GM Omar Minaya, chuckling and shaking his head at the stunt, perhaps Martinez's craziest to date and one which has cost the team an estimated $16 million. "I can't believe we fell for the old 'torn rotator cuff' gag. Oh, Pedro. What will he think of next?" Mets manager Willie Randolph is planning to play a retaliatory prank on Martinez, which involves leaving him in past the sixth inning of a crucial playoff game.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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