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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Love Letter Made Longer By Increasing Margins

CRYSTAL BAY, NV—A half-page love letter written using Microsoft Word on Monday by Derek Glassburn, 19, to his girlfriend Amanda Tinker, 20, was expanded to a full page by increasing the document's margins by nearly one-quarter inch on all sides.

"Even after saying that she was prettier than every girl I've ever dated, and that I loved her more than a bunch of stuff, [the letter] looked like I had put nothing into it," Glassburn said. "Besides lengthening the margins, I changed the font from Times New Roman to Helvetica, upped the font size to 12.8 points, and put it all in bold."

Glassburn reportedly handed two pages to Tinker, deciding at the last second to add a cover page with the title "Amanda Tinker: Why I Love Her, An Essay By Derek R. Glassburn."

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