Loveless Union Ends In Baby

Top Headlines

After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Loveless Union Ends In Baby

ROCKFORD, IL—A loveless union resulted Monday in the birth of a baby who, according to area love experts, will almost certainly never receive the warm, nurturing love it needs to develop fully. Nor, they say, will it ever learn to show love for others in its lifetime.

The child, William Thurnbloch, Jr., was conceived in the hopes that its presence might function as a love substitute in the lives of its parents, William and Suzanne Thurnbloch, of Rockford. Sources agree this attempt is doomed to failure, and that the Thurnblochs will continue to live lives as devoid of love as ever before.

“I doubt either Bill or Suzanne ever fully comprehended what love was, and, therefore, never realized that their lives lacked love,” Department of Love and Related Issues regional chairperson and psychotherapist Kent McNuhm said. “Nonetheless, a subconscious perception of the inherent emptiness of their lives drove them to reproduce.”

McNuhm went on to cite the couple’s total lack of interest in each other’s daily lives, refusal to engage in conversation, and constant, ill-fated extra-marital dalliances as factors marking the union as loveless.

Married four years ago as a response to family pressure, as well as to stave off a deep-seated fear of solitude, the Thurnblochs lack even the most basic psychological characteristics required to raise an emotionally healthy child.

It is virtually certain their baby will grow up to mirror their staggeringly bleak worldview, raised in silent agony in a world it rightly perceives as cold and uncaring.

Though acquaintances of the Thurnblochs report Suzanne has never been happier than she is while cuddling her new baby, experts firmly believe this feeling is meaningless and transient, signifying no real change or growth.

“The baby is at this point unable to distinguish between itself and the rest of the world, including its mother,” McNuhm said. “Suzanne is only capable of relating to the baby because it has no real personality of its own, serving as a narcissistic projection of herself.”

“Once the baby develops ego boundaries and becomes a distinct individual, she will complain constantly about it, tormenting it unceasingly with verbal and non-verbal cruelty, eventually withdrawing into apathy and neglect, and focusing her affections on some other identity-less entity, like a puppy or a character on TV,” he added.

Though the Thurnblochs engaged in successful sexual penetration for several months prior to conception, since the initial impregnation they have reverted to their usual states of sexual behavior: furtive masturbation, coupled with misogynistic fantasies in William Sr.’s case, and frigidity in Suzanne’s.

Experts say not only will William Jr. be unloved throughout childhood, he will also be unable to perceive love if and when it is ever offered him.

“Little William,” McNuhm concluded, “will be incapable of relating to the outside world, unable to differentiate between, say, petting a neighbor’s dog and poking at its eyes with a spork.”

The couple plans to send him to military school once he learns to speak.

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close