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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Low-Budget Film Panders Just As Shamelessly As Big Studio Feature

NEW YORK—Moviegoers were reportedly impressed this weekend by the ability of an independent feature produced on an $80,000 budget to be just as shamelessly pandering as any blockbuster from a major studio. "Wow. Between its cloying indie soundtrack, quirky animated title sequence, and tangential subplot ending in a failed suicide attempt, I felt every bit as patronized as I did watching Transformers 3," viewer Samantha Holmes, 26, said of the latest release from IFC Films, which stars Kat Dennings and, in a few key scenes in which emotional truths are revealed, Paul Dano. "Maybe even more so, since at least Transformers 3 wasn't pretending to be something it's not." Audience members confirmed the movie ends on a bittersweet note before credits roll to the whistling of a catchy melody accompanied by ukulele.

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