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Low Voter Turnout Blamed On Election-Day Zombie Attacks

WASHINGTON, DC—Political observers expressed disappointment over Tuesday's low voter turnout, citing a rash of election-day attacks by cannibalistic, reanimated corpses of the recently deceased—flesh-eating zombies from beyond the grave!

Zombies, seen here attacking a photographer, are believed to have caused voters to shy away from polling places.

"Everything is under control," Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich said at an emergency joint session of Congress. "National Guardsmen have been dispatched to problem areas, and I am fully confident in their ability to restore order. We are doomed! Every dead body will get up and kill! The people they kill will get up and kill!"

According to pollsters, the low election-day turnout is not surprising. "Historically, fewer people vote when conditions outside are bad," said Debra Patton of the Washington, D.C.-based MediaWatch Institute. "Examples of this sort of inclement weather include rain, snow and unstoppable tides of walking corpses from the gates of Hell itself!"

"Whether these zombie attacks will ultimately affect the outcome of the election is difficult to say," said Hannah Redding, Harvard University professor of political science. "Thus far, the undead have shown no preference for devouring Democrats or Republicans."

Handing a loaded pistol to her secretary, Redding, who had suffered a shoulder injury when bitten by a zombie earlier in the day, said: "Whatever you do... if I don't make it... promise me you'll put a bullet in my brain! I don't want to come back as one of them! You've got to promise me, goddammit!"

According to pollsters, voter turnout began declining sharply at approximately 3 p.m., when, for reasons not as of yet determined, the dead bodies of recently risen zombies began to stagger slowly into polling places. Once there, they reportedly pulled voters from their curtained booths and tore out their intestines with their bare hands... mindlessly driven to devour every still-living human on Earth!

As of press time, election officials estimate that 45 percent of American voters stayed home Tuesday, opting to hide in attics, fruit cellars and abandoned farmhouses rather than face the prospect of having their hearts torn from their chests and eaten by drooling, bloated zombies!

"No one is safe!" said President Clinton in a televised address from his campaign headquarters, which were recently relocated to an abandoned shopping mall. "These are not your friends, family members, and loved ones! They will not respond to emotion! They are vulnerable to fire, but the only way to stop them is to destroy the brain, or sever the spinal cord! They must be destroyed on sight!"

The President then announced that word had just come in that he has carried New Hampshire.

Though it is still too early to determine final results, it appears that Clinton will win the election. "Mr. Dole's chances of winning were hurt badly by the fact that the elderly—his strongest demographic group—were easily captured and eaten by the swarming, undead throngs," said Naomi Blum, a spokesperson for ABC Polls. "President Clinton's supporters, on the other hand, tended to be younger and more agile."

According to Dole campaign manager Chris Drayton, despite Dole's disappointment, the candidate will do his best to "work with Clinton in the future and help lead the American people to the hills—where at least we stand a chance against those inhuman monsters!"

Moments later, Drayton and dozens of his colleagues were overwhelmed and dismembered by a crowd of hungry zombies that pushed through the Dole campaign office's barricades—eaten alive by shambling, half-rotted armies of the undead!

"Don't you understand? They're all gone, you bastards!" Dole told reporters, while nearby, Elizabeth Dole attempted to remove the boards from her husband's campaign office in a vain effort to rescue his beloved lobbyists and boosters. "We can't help them now, Liddy! Bob Dole cannot deny that the Elect Bob Dole Committee is dead! They're dead, Liddy! They've become more of them!"

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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