Low Voter Turnout Blamed On Election-Day Zombie Attacks

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Vol 30 Issue 13

Total Hunk Sitting Over By Plant

SCHAUMBURG, IL—According to several female shoppers at Woodfield Mall, a total hunk was sitting by a plant near the Wok 'n' Roll booth Friday. "He's so cute," said Melanie Ford, 22. The hunk was reportedly wearing a gray cardigan sweater and had "strong-looking hands." "I'm, like, imagining what it would be like to ride in his car," Ford's friend, Jessica Loew, said. A One Potato Two official could not verify the report, as the manager had left strict instructions that the register was not to be left unattended.

Local Dullard Opts For Vocational School

MILFORD, MD—In an attempt to earn more than $5.50 per hour, Alice Stellsen, a local dullard and mother of two, will attend Maryland Tech School this fall. "I was thinking of going into cosmetology or maybe data entry," she said Saturday. Both vocations, according to Stellsen, are nonspecific skills that anyone with a high-school education could learn to do, and therefore require no special talent or aptitude. "I am not special," she said. "Anyone could be taught these skills."

Jesus Christ Believed In

ELKHART, IN—According to reports, legendary Biblical figure Jesus Christ is believed in by area resident Milton Grelskum. Grelskum, a 37-year-old machine tool operator, admits to believing that Christ is the son of Yahweh, the Hebrew God, and that Christ's crucifixion has paved the way for Grelskum to receive an eternity of peace after death. "I believe Jesus is the way, the truth and the light," Grelskum said Monday. He added that he has a "personal relationship" with Jesus, which involves conversations with the Nazarene in his mind. "I love Jesus," Grelskum said. Grelskum's friends and neighbors are jealous of Grelskum's friendship. Said co-worker Tim Judd: "The most important person I communicate with in my mind is Emperor Charlemagne, and he hasn't promised me jack squat in the afterlife."

Frito-Lay Targets Blacks With New Menthol Doritos

DALLAS—The Frito-Lay Corporation is making a strong play for the lucrative African-American market with "Doritos Dark and Smooths," a new menthol-flavored snack chip product. The tortilla chips will be liquefied and sold in 40-ounce containers. "New Menthol Doritos... works every time," pitchman Billy Dee Williams said in his trademark sexy voice at a press conference Monday. Frito-Lay will be test-marketing the product on Chicago's South Side this month with the slogan, "New Doritos Dark and Smooths... So Dark... So Smooth."

Retro-Crazed Youths Re-Elect Carter

WASHINGTON, DC—A massive turnout of '70s-obsessed youths is being blamed for Jimmy Carter's surprise victory in Tuesday's presidential election. According to election officials, polling places were overrun with millions of 18- to 23-year-olds wearing Charlie's Angels T-shirts and carrying Scooby Doo lunchboxes. "The '70s were so cool," said Michelle Poole, 19, a barrette-wearing, Fisher Price toy-collecting Carter supporter. "It's like, that old-school Carter Administration shit rocked." According to Carter spokesman Edward Rowell, "President-Elect Carter will do his best to serve the mandate of '70s retro culture. He will boycott the Olympic Games, try to create another energy crisis and appoint many well-known '70s TV personalities, including Fred Berry and Gabe Kaplan, to top Cabinet posts."

The Story of Romeo and Juliet Is Not A Very Good Love Story

It is at this time of the year that many a young man's thoughts turn to love and wooing the fairer sex. And, I ask you, what better place to take your lady friend on a first date than to take them to the pictures? Ah, the magical moving pictures on the silver screen! There have been many occasions where a young suitor took a dame to the bijou and was rewarded with a smooch on the cheek, I am told. And so it was in my day, when romance was not just a word!

I Need A Buck-Fifty To Get To Detroit

Hey, how you all doin' this evening? Say, I gotta ask you something. You got a second? Come over here. Come on over, I ain't gonna hurt you. Okay, I'll come over there.

Clinton: Part 2

As America stands on the brink of the second half of the Bill Clinton Era, what are your thoughts?
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Entertainment

Low Voter Turnout Blamed On Election-Day Zombie Attacks

WASHINGTON, DC—Political observers expressed disappointment over Tuesday's low voter turnout, citing a rash of election-day attacks by cannibalistic, reanimated corpses of the recently deceased—flesh-eating zombies from beyond the grave!

Zombies, seen here attacking a photographer, are believed to have caused voters to shy away from polling places.

"Everything is under control," Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich said at an emergency joint session of Congress. "National Guardsmen have been dispatched to problem areas, and I am fully confident in their ability to restore order. We are doomed! Every dead body will get up and kill! The people they kill will get up and kill!"

According to pollsters, the low election-day turnout is not surprising. "Historically, fewer people vote when conditions outside are bad," said Debra Patton of the Washington, D.C.-based MediaWatch Institute. "Examples of this sort of inclement weather include rain, snow and unstoppable tides of walking corpses from the gates of Hell itself!"

"Whether these zombie attacks will ultimately affect the outcome of the election is difficult to say," said Hannah Redding, Harvard University professor of political science. "Thus far, the undead have shown no preference for devouring Democrats or Republicans."

Handing a loaded pistol to her secretary, Redding, who had suffered a shoulder injury when bitten by a zombie earlier in the day, said: "Whatever you do... if I don't make it... promise me you'll put a bullet in my brain! I don't want to come back as one of them! You've got to promise me, goddammit!"

According to pollsters, voter turnout began declining sharply at approximately 3 p.m., when, for reasons not as of yet determined, the dead bodies of recently risen zombies began to stagger slowly into polling places. Once there, they reportedly pulled voters from their curtained booths and tore out their intestines with their bare hands... mindlessly driven to devour every still-living human on Earth!

As of press time, election officials estimate that 45 percent of American voters stayed home Tuesday, opting to hide in attics, fruit cellars and abandoned farmhouses rather than face the prospect of having their hearts torn from their chests and eaten by drooling, bloated zombies!

"No one is safe!" said President Clinton in a televised address from his campaign headquarters, which were recently relocated to an abandoned shopping mall. "These are not your friends, family members, and loved ones! They will not respond to emotion! They are vulnerable to fire, but the only way to stop them is to destroy the brain, or sever the spinal cord! They must be destroyed on sight!"

The President then announced that word had just come in that he has carried New Hampshire.

Though it is still too early to determine final results, it appears that Clinton will win the election. "Mr. Dole's chances of winning were hurt badly by the fact that the elderly—his strongest demographic group—were easily captured and eaten by the swarming, undead throngs," said Naomi Blum, a spokesperson for ABC Polls. "President Clinton's supporters, on the other hand, tended to be younger and more agile."

According to Dole campaign manager Chris Drayton, despite Dole's disappointment, the candidate will do his best to "work with Clinton in the future and help lead the American people to the hills—where at least we stand a chance against those inhuman monsters!"

Moments later, Drayton and dozens of his colleagues were overwhelmed and dismembered by a crowd of hungry zombies that pushed through the Dole campaign office's barricades—eaten alive by shambling, half-rotted armies of the undead!

"Don't you understand? They're all gone, you bastards!" Dole told reporters, while nearby, Elizabeth Dole attempted to remove the boards from her husband's campaign office in a vain effort to rescue his beloved lobbyists and boosters. "We can't help them now, Liddy! Bob Dole cannot deny that the Elect Bob Dole Committee is dead! They're dead, Liddy! They've become more of them!"

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