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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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‘Luck’ Producers Still Killing A Lot Of Horses

LOS ANGELES—Nearly two years after the HBO drama’s early cancellation due to animal rights concerns, the producers of Luck confirmed yesterday that they continue to cripple and euthanize horses on a regular basis. “After production on the series shut down, we pretty much just switched to killing horses full-time; we probably finished off the original herd in about a week,” said producer and show creator David Milch, who explained that he, producers Michael Mann and Carolyn Strauss, and the rest of the crew now receive a fresh shipment of purebreds each week, running the horses until they collapse in painful throes of agony and a veterinarian must be sent onto the track to put them down. “Sometimes Dustin Hoffman still stops by to help out with the killings. We all miss the show, but it’s great that we’ve been able to continue our work on this level, at least.” Sources at HBO reported that the producers plan to explore the world of dog racing next.

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