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Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.
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Lucky Charms Phases Out Oat Pieces

MINNEAPOLIS—General Mills, maker of the popular breakfast cereal Lucky Charms, announced Tuesday that the morning favorite will soon become much more lucky with the addition of 16 new colorful marshmallow shapes, displacing the unpopular oat pieces that have hampered the cereal's appeal for decades.

Lucky Charms, a nutritious part of a complete breakfast, will soon contain nothing but marshmallow pieces. As General Mills' vice-president of product development John Stacey explained, "Why put off the inevitable?"

"We've been moving toward total marshmallow saturation for quite some time now, upping the marshmallow-to-oat piece ratio through the gradual introduction of 'new' marshmallow shapes," said General Mills vice-president of product development John Stacey. "We just finally said to ourselves, 'Why put off the inevitable?'"

In addition to the already-existing marshmallows in the shape of hearts, stars, moons, clovers, horseshoes, balloons, rainbows, and pots o' gold, every box of Lucky Charms will now feature 16 brand-new shapes: clubs, spades, treasure chests, crowns, sevens, bells, planets, coins, suns, smiles, clouds, boats, lightning, comets, anchors and rings.

"The monochromatic oat pieces in unrecognizable shapes were by far the least popular part of Lucky Charms," said Terrence Sweeney of Scarsdale & Loeb Group, the marketing firm handling the change-over. "Although when eaten alone, the lightly frosted, tan-hued oat pieces are quite delicious, when eaten alongside the explosively sweet marshmallows they seem stale and cardboard-like."

The ad campaign for the revamped cereal begins next month with a television commercial featuring "Evil Oaties" gobbling up all the marshmallows in Lucky Charms. After a bit of leprechaun magic from "Lucky," the Oaties transform into the brand new marshmallow shapes before the eyes of delighted children.

"We're already thrilled with the response to the new cereal," Sweeney said. "The children in our focus groups responded very enthusiastically to the new Lucky Charms. In fact, they immediately asked for more of it, often clinging to the legs of our testers until they received second and third helpings."

Said Lucky Charms fan Timothy Nordquist, 5, after eating a bowl of the new cereal: "Nur nur nur nur nur nur nur nur nur nur nur."

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