adBlockCheck

Business

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
End Of Section
  • More News

Lucky Charms Phases Out Oat Pieces

MINNEAPOLIS—General Mills, maker of the popular breakfast cereal Lucky Charms, announced Tuesday that the morning favorite will soon become much more lucky with the addition of 16 new colorful marshmallow shapes, displacing the unpopular oat pieces that have hampered the cereal's appeal for decades.

Lucky Charms, a nutritious part of a complete breakfast, will soon contain nothing but marshmallow pieces. As General Mills' vice-president of product development John Stacey explained, "Why put off the inevitable?"

"We've been moving toward total marshmallow saturation for quite some time now, upping the marshmallow-to-oat piece ratio through the gradual introduction of 'new' marshmallow shapes," said General Mills vice-president of product development John Stacey. "We just finally said to ourselves, 'Why put off the inevitable?'"

In addition to the already-existing marshmallows in the shape of hearts, stars, moons, clovers, horseshoes, balloons, rainbows, and pots o' gold, every box of Lucky Charms will now feature 16 brand-new shapes: clubs, spades, treasure chests, crowns, sevens, bells, planets, coins, suns, smiles, clouds, boats, lightning, comets, anchors and rings.

"The monochromatic oat pieces in unrecognizable shapes were by far the least popular part of Lucky Charms," said Terrence Sweeney of Scarsdale & Loeb Group, the marketing firm handling the change-over. "Although when eaten alone, the lightly frosted, tan-hued oat pieces are quite delicious, when eaten alongside the explosively sweet marshmallows they seem stale and cardboard-like."

The ad campaign for the revamped cereal begins next month with a television commercial featuring "Evil Oaties" gobbling up all the marshmallows in Lucky Charms. After a bit of leprechaun magic from "Lucky," the Oaties transform into the brand new marshmallow shapes before the eyes of delighted children.

"We're already thrilled with the response to the new cereal," Sweeney said. "The children in our focus groups responded very enthusiastically to the new Lucky Charms. In fact, they immediately asked for more of it, often clinging to the legs of our testers until they received second and third helpings."

Said Lucky Charms fan Timothy Nordquist, 5, after eating a bowl of the new cereal: "Nur nur nur nur nur nur nur nur nur nur nur."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close