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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Lucky Old Woman Getting Wheeled Around Airport

DENVER—Travelers at the Denver International Airport looked on in envy Thursday at a very lucky elderly woman, who, since her arrival, has been greeted by an airport employee and been pushed around in a wheelchair wherever she wants to go. “Man, she doesn’t have to walk to her gate or anything; I would kill to be her right now,” 32-year-old bystander Neal Bedo said of the fortunate 89-year-old, who is basically being waited on hand and foot and is currently being ushered all the way to the B Terminal, which, according to sources, is pretty far away. “I bet when she gets to the next airport, there’s going to be another wheelchair waiting for her at the jetway. And then she’ll be wheeled to baggage claim where someone will help with her luggage. What a sweet deal she’s got.” At press time, the pampered queen made everyone jealous when an airport employee went to the food court to get her a cold drink, and she got to just sit at her gate and not have to worry about standing in line or anything.

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