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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Lunatic Realizes Thing He Screamed In Middle Of Street Earlier Not Entirely True

EUGENE, OR—Local insane person Nathan Yeckly admitted Tuesday that upon further reflection, several of the things he screamed at passing cars, pedestrians, and animals while standing in the middle of East 18th Street were perhaps slightly embellished. "In retrospect, I may have somewhat overstated the Supreme Court's role in aiding the beef industry's plan to slowly poison every person in America," said Yeckly, adding that while there is no question the CIA is using satellites to taint livestock with infrared lasers, he has little proof of the high court's participation. "I mentioned the Supreme Court to add some weight to my argument, and for that I apologize. Especially to Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. It's just patently untrue that she has the power to control my thoughts; all she can do is read them." Yeckly also expressed regret for vowing to "kill everyone of you," saying that he now realizes he only needs to murder those who know.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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