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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Lunatic Realizes Thing He Screamed In Middle Of Street Earlier Not Entirely True

EUGENE, OR—Local insane person Nathan Yeckly admitted Tuesday that upon further reflection, several of the things he screamed at passing cars, pedestrians, and animals while standing in the middle of East 18th Street were perhaps slightly embellished. "In retrospect, I may have somewhat overstated the Supreme Court's role in aiding the beef industry's plan to slowly poison every person in America," said Yeckly, adding that while there is no question the CIA is using satellites to taint livestock with infrared lasers, he has little proof of the high court's participation. "I mentioned the Supreme Court to add some weight to my argument, and for that I apologize. Especially to Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. It's just patently untrue that she has the power to control my thoughts; all she can do is read them." Yeckly also expressed regret for vowing to "kill everyone of you," saying that he now realizes he only needs to murder those who know.

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