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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Lunatic Realizes Thing He Screamed In Middle Of Street Earlier Not Entirely True

EUGENE, OR—Local insane person Nathan Yeckly admitted Tuesday that upon further reflection, several of the things he screamed at passing cars, pedestrians, and animals while standing in the middle of East 18th Street were perhaps slightly embellished. "In retrospect, I may have somewhat overstated the Supreme Court's role in aiding the beef industry's plan to slowly poison every person in America," said Yeckly, adding that while there is no question the CIA is using satellites to taint livestock with infrared lasers, he has little proof of the high court's participation. "I mentioned the Supreme Court to add some weight to my argument, and for that I apologize. Especially to Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. It's just patently untrue that she has the power to control my thoughts; all she can do is read them." Yeckly also expressed regret for vowing to "kill everyone of you," saying that he now realizes he only needs to murder those who know.

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