Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

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Healthy Eating

Food Should Taste Good

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Inconsiderate Woman On Bus Eating Live Tuna

PORTLAND, ME—Passengers on the No. 5 bus expressed frustration today as an inconsiderate fellow rider began openly consuming her lunch of a live, violently flopping Atlantic bluefin tuna.
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Healthy Eating

Food Should Taste Good

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs. “Mr. Fox is a lucky man—that burger went right past his heart and just barely missed his lungs,” said Dr. Karen Yang of Northwestern Memorial Hospital, noting that the meal entered Fox’s body mere inches from his brain and avoided his spinal cord by a matter of centimeters. “Based on its trajectory, the lunch appeared to be headed straight for his liver and kidneys, but fortunately, its track seems to have altered just enough for it to pass by without causing any damage.” Though there were no immediate life-threatening injuries, Yang said that remnants of the burger may stay lodged in the man’s abdomen for years to come and could present long-term health complications down the line.

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