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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs. “Mr. Fox is a lucky man—that burger went right past his heart and just barely missed his lungs,” said Dr. Karen Yang of Northwestern Memorial Hospital, noting that the meal entered Fox’s body mere inches from his brain and avoided his spinal cord by a matter of centimeters. “Based on its trajectory, the lunch appeared to be headed straight for his liver and kidneys, but fortunately, its track seems to have altered just enough for it to pass by without causing any damage.” Though there were no immediate life-threatening injuries, Yang said that remnants of the burger may stay lodged in the man’s abdomen for years to come and could present long-term health complications down the line.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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