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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Lutheran Minister Arrested On Charges Of Boring Young Children

PERU, IL— St. Luke's Lutheran Church was rocked by scandal Tuesday, when Rev. Bob Tillich, the church's pastor of 12 years, was arrested on suspicion of boring as many as 23 children within the congregation. "Reverend Bob always seemed like the sweetest man," parishioner Vera Crandall said following the arrest. "When my son said he made him watch three 1975 filmstrips about the suffering of Job, I was shocked." In the wake of the arrest, seven former Sunday-school students, dating as far back as 1989, have stepped forward with charges that Tillich subjected them to inappropriately tedious parables.

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