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Lyndon Johnson Jr. Sworn In As George Editor

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.
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Lyndon Johnson Jr. Sworn In As George Editor

HYANNISPORT, MA—At 4:11 a.m. EST Saturday, Lyndon Baines Johnson Jr. was sworn in as editor-in-chief of George magazine following the death of John F. Kennedy Jr. in a plane crash. "At this tragic time in our magazine's history, let us look forward, remembering always the legacy of my predecessor," said the 51-year-old Johnson, previously George's assistant editor, after being hastily sworn in by Chief Justice William Rehnquist on a New York-bound DC-10 jet. "Let us now begin a process of healing, followed by a time of renewal at over 60 percent off the regular cover price." The somber ceremony was witnessed by an estimated 15 George staffers and subscribers.

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