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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Lyndon Johnson Jr. Sworn In As George Editor

HYANNISPORT, MA—At 4:11 a.m. EST Saturday, Lyndon Baines Johnson Jr. was sworn in as editor-in-chief of George magazine following the death of John F. Kennedy Jr. in a plane crash. "At this tragic time in our magazine's history, let us look forward, remembering always the legacy of my predecessor," said the 51-year-old Johnson, previously George's assistant editor, after being hastily sworn in by Chief Justice William Rehnquist on a New York-bound DC-10 jet. "Let us now begin a process of healing, followed by a time of renewal at over 60 percent off the regular cover price." The somber ceremony was witnessed by an estimated 15 George staffers and subscribers.

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