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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Lyndon Johnson Pulls Ahead In Poll Of Nation's Alzheimer's Patients

BOCA RATON, FL—A survey of the nation’s Alzheimer’s patients conducted Sunday by Public Policy Polling indicates that Lyndon Johnson now holds a comfortable 8-point lead in the 2012 presidential race, having pulled ahead of candidates Hubert Humphrey, Adlai Stevenson, Mitt Romney, and Gen. George S. Patton. “I’m voting for Lyndon Johnson this year,” said poll respondent Marjorie Halter, adding that she cast a ballot for Gregory Peck in the last election, and that she intends to vote for the Democratic ticket again this November. “I think Johnson and [Halter’s son] Doug will make a really strong team.” According to the poll, a full 14 percent of Alzheimer’s patients are still undecided, and could very well end up voting for former Olympic gymnast Dominique Moceanu if she does well in Tuesday’s debate.

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