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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Macaulay Culkin Hoping Some 'Funny Or Die' Writer Comes Up With Video Idea For Him

LOS ANGELES—Saying that it would likely be amusing and very popular, actor Macaulay Culkin told reporters Tuesday that he hopes staff writers at the website Funny Or Die are currently coming up with ideas for a parody video he could star in. “There has to be someone over there in his late 20s who loves making fun of the 1990s and has me in mind for something,” said the 32-year-old former child star, adding that he imagines a video of no more than three minutes in length that would show viewers he isn’t afraid to poke fun at his own career, but would also pay homage to his place in pop-culture history. “I’m sure they’ve batted my name around before, and maybe a few ideas have been bounced off producers. They could do something where I’m at home alone as an adult and Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci keep trying to break into my house—like it’s just this annoying routine that’s become part of my life. Or it’s like a parody of My Girl where a swarm of angry bees attacks me at the end of every shot. But I’m just spitballing here—this is in their wheelhouse, so I'll let them come up with the ideas.” At press time, Culkin said he would be open to lampooning the end of The Good Son where he falls off a cliff, but instead of plummeting to his death, his shirt becomes snagged on a tree branch and he’s forced to make awkward conversation with Elijah Wood.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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