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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Machiavellian White House Groundskeeper Gaining Influence Among West Wing Staff

WASHINGTON—In one of the most startling horticultural power plays to strike the executive branch in years, conniving groundskeeper Irv Williams is gaining sway over the West Wing staff, anonymous sources said Tuesday. The 83-year-old has reportedly used his favor to place aides in prime gardening posts, silence hostile landscapers, and manipulate his way into daily classified security briefings. "It started with a few tiny water elms along the edge of the property, and then there was a koi pond, the zinnias, and that ficus he gave [Press Secretary Robert] Gibbs," said one source, peering over his shoulder. "Now he's taking late night meetings with the attorney general to address 'concerns' he has about the president's ability to pick perennials. Christ have mercy on every last one of us." Sources close to Williams said he will stop at nothing, or when he gets a new watering can.

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