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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Mackey Sasser: 'Hey Everybody, Look At Me, I Took Steroids—I'm Mackey Sasser And I Took Steroids'

NEW YORK—Former Mets catcher Mackey Sasser called an impromptu press conference last night to inform the public that he, too, has taken steroids. "Hey everyone, over here, it's me, Mackey Sasser. Remember me? The big fat catcher from the late '80s and early '90s Mets teams? Mackey Sasser. Not Dave Magadan, not Howard Johnson, not Kevin McReynolds—Mackey Sasser. Well, just wanted to let you all know that, believe it or not, I, of all people—me, Mackey Sasser!—took steroids. Yessiree bob, you heard it right, I took steroids. Whaddaya know? Bet you never suspected me. Not in a million years. Mackey Sasser, taking steroids," Sasser said. "I didn't take amphetamines, I didn't take human growth hormone, nope—I took the real thing. Steroids. Took 'em every day. Just thought you should know. Okay, bye." Sasser then told reporters that he would be "standing right over here" if they had any further questions.

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