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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Macklemore Reminds Grammys Audience About CDs Available For Sale In Lobby

LOS ANGELES—Immediately following his performance Sunday night at the 56th annual Grammy Awards, Seattle-based rapper Macklemore politely reminded audience members at the Staples Center that he had CDs and other merchandise available for purchase in the lobby. “Make sure to drop by and see us after the show, because we’ve got CDs, posters, decals, and I think T-shirts, too, if we remembered to bring them,” the recipient of seven Grammy nominations said while gesturing toward a small folding table near the rear of the auditorium and noting that he was currently running a deal of $10 for one CD or $15 for two. “Ryan [Lewis] is over there right now, and I’m about to go join him, so please stop by and say hi. Also, don’t forget to sign our mailing list, if you haven’t already! Thanks, everybody.” At press time, sources reported that Macklemore and Lewis were explaining to a customer that while they weren’t set up to take cards, they did accept cash and would be glad to make change for a 20.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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