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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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'Mad Men' Premiere Features Group Of Actors Who Are Scared To Death Of Never Making Transition To Film

NEW YORK—After concluding its fifth season last June with Don Draper and company facing new personal and professional challenges, the critically acclaimed AMC series Mad Men returns Sunday with a two-hour season premiere featuring a group of television actors terrified to death of never making the transition from television to film, sources confirmed. “In this new season, we wanted to really explore how a group of nervous small-screen performers navigate a professional world in which they constantly worry about not being taken seriously by the film industry,” Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner told reporters, adding that the new season picks up six years after the actors first appeared in the series with the goal of building their name recognition on television, branching out into smaller movie roles, transitioning to feature films, and hopefully disassociating themselves with their Mad Men characters. “This has been a common theme since the third season. But now that the series is almost coming to a close, I think it will be very interesting to see how these actors freak out about what they’re going to do in two years when Mad Men has disappeared from public consciousness and they still haven’t had anything close to a leading role in a major motion picture.” Weiner added that while he doesn’t want to spoil anything, it will become very clear by season’s end that one prominent performer will more than likely end up on Showtime in a role where he plays himself and makes fun of his career.

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