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Politics

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Mafia Breaks Off Diplomatic Relations With CIA

WASHINGTON, DC—The Mafia announced Monday that after more than 50 years of close relations, the powerful crime organization is breaking off ties with the CIA. "Our partnership with the CIA has been extremely productive over the years, resulting in many great accomplishments, including the Kennedy and Martin Luther King assassinations, the creation of Las Vegas, and the near-overthrow of the Castro regime," Mafia official Joseph "Joey" Tucci said. "Unfortunately, that partnership is no longer effective." Tucci denied any Mafia involvement in the 1991 cancellation of The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd.

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