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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Magglio Ordonez, Placido Polanco Stay Up All Night Talking About Favorite Hitting Situations

DETROIT—Following their game against the Twins Tuesday, Tigers outfielder Magglio Ordonez and second baseman Placido Polanco stayed in their hotel room all night, giddily discussing their favorite in-game hitting situations. "Definitely 2-0 count, one out, runners on the corners, and a lefty on the mound—definitely," Ordonez said, giggling excitedly as he explained how he would sit on a fastball on the outer half of the plate and drive it to the right-center gap. Polanco reportedly shrugged, saying, "That's pretty good, but picture this: right-handed pitcher, day game, on turf, full count, and…runners on first and second. This way, the runners are off with the pitch, and the first baseman would be shading the line to protect against the extra-base hit, so bam, I just punch it right through the hole. Oh, oh, and what about the old one-out, 1-1 count hit-and-run? Can't go wrong with a classic." The two then mentioned how great it would be to hit with a runner on third and less than two outs in October, at which point they both sighed, fell silent, and went to bed.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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