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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Magglio Ordonez, Placido Polanco Stay Up All Night Talking About Favorite Hitting Situations

DETROIT—Following their game against the Twins Tuesday, Tigers outfielder Magglio Ordonez and second baseman Placido Polanco stayed in their hotel room all night, giddily discussing their favorite in-game hitting situations. "Definitely 2-0 count, one out, runners on the corners, and a lefty on the mound—definitely," Ordonez said, giggling excitedly as he explained how he would sit on a fastball on the outer half of the plate and drive it to the right-center gap. Polanco reportedly shrugged, saying, "That's pretty good, but picture this: right-handed pitcher, day game, on turf, full count, and…runners on first and second. This way, the runners are off with the pitch, and the first baseman would be shading the line to protect against the extra-base hit, so bam, I just punch it right through the hole. Oh, oh, and what about the old one-out, 1-1 count hit-and-run? Can't go wrong with a classic." The two then mentioned how great it would be to hit with a runner on third and less than two outs in October, at which point they both sighed, fell silent, and went to bed.

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