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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Magic Game Plan To Out-Basketball Cavaliers

ORLANDO—Although many NBA analysts are saying the more talented and defensively dominant Cavs are certain to win the Orlando-Cleveland series, Magic players and coaches are confident that LeBron James and his supporting cast can be out-basketballed. "I really think we can basketball better than they can over the course of a long series. We already basketballed better than they basketballed in two games this year," Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy said. "We have to concentrate on basketballing patiently on offense and not over-basketballing it when we're under our own net, meanwhile taking advantage of their tendency to under-basketball on transitions. So, if we're smart and stay composed, then, yes, these guys can certainly be out-basketballed." Van Gundy would not comment on whether or not his team would be outscored.

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