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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Magic-Markered Initials Fail To Deter Breakroom Rice-Cake Thief

FRESNO, CA—Despite clearly marking her initials on her rice-cake bag in black Magic Marker, secretary Elaine Fahey was once again the victim of I&G Marketing's breakroom rice-cake thief Monday. "Whoever's doing this really needs to learn about something called a supermarket," said Fahey, who has lost one strawberry and three caramel-apple rice cakes to the thief this month. "Rice cakes aren't free, you know." Fahey said she plans to take harsher security measures, including a Post-It note on the bag reading, "These are my rice cakes... Please get your own!!!"

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