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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Magical Gallery Transforms Dull Objects Into Art

NEW YORK—A magical New York art gallery has the power to turn dull, everyday items into brilliant works of art, sources reported Monday. "Seth Clayton's devastating Untitled No. 7 captures the despair of urban ennui in a way that's post-ironic yet somehow pre-pomo," said David E. Sherry, owner of the David E. Sherry Gallery, while admiring a rusty bucket and tattered boot lying on the gallery floor. "Its eloquence is truly heartbreaking."

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