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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Magical Office Worker Able To Turn Everything He Touches Into More Work For Colleagues

BLOOMINGTON, MN—Noting that his mystical abilities extend from the most everyday tasks to the largest quarterly projects, coworkers at Oracle Media reported Monday that enchanted office worker Matthew Kosnick is capable of turning everything he touches into additional work for his colleagues. “His powers are astonishing; every responsibility that is left in his hands—from compiling the company’s sales figures, to putting together PowerPoints, to refilling the coffeemaker—magically becomes hours of extra work for someone else to complete,” said junior sales representative Alicia McCall, marveling at Kosnick’s supernatural ability to instantly increase the hassle of any project tenfold. “There is no assignment he can’t turn into a weeklong slog that results in multiple conference calls and forces his fellow employees to stay late several nights in a row. And with just a few quick lines in an email, he is able to set off a miraculous chain of events that eventually takes up all of the department’s time and effort. It’s breathtaking.” At press time, the magical employee could be overheard remarking how busy his coworkers appeared and asking if there was anything he could do to help.

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