adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Magical Office Worker Able To Turn Everything He Touches Into More Work For Colleagues

BLOOMINGTON, MN—Noting that his mystical abilities extend from the most everyday tasks to the largest quarterly projects, coworkers at Oracle Media reported Monday that enchanted office worker Matthew Kosnick is capable of turning everything he touches into additional work for his colleagues. “His powers are astonishing; every responsibility that is left in his hands—from compiling the company’s sales figures, to putting together PowerPoints, to refilling the coffeemaker—magically becomes hours of extra work for someone else to complete,” said junior sales representative Alicia McCall, marveling at Kosnick’s supernatural ability to instantly increase the hassle of any project tenfold. “There is no assignment he can’t turn into a weeklong slog that results in multiple conference calls and forces his fellow employees to stay late several nights in a row. And with just a few quick lines in an email, he is able to set off a miraculous chain of events that eventually takes up all of the department’s time and effort. It’s breathtaking.” At press time, the magical employee could be overheard remarking how busy his coworkers appeared and asking if there was anything he could do to help.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close