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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Magical Voting Booth Transforms Clearheaded Americans Into Reactionist Morons

DENVER—A voting booth stationed at the fifth district municipal center in Denver possesses the otherworldly power to transform rational Americans into impulsive and narrow-minded morons, sources reported Tuesday. According to election officials, just by stepping inside the magical booth and drawing its curtain shut, well-informed Americans are suddenly altered, their ability to reason without bias or prejudice vanishing into thin air. "It was like I became this completely different person—someone afraid of Mexicans stealing his job, of admitting defeat in Iraq, of finally going against the status quo," said Michael Walker, one of the thousands of voters momentarily transformed by the mystical enclosure. "The man who pulled the lever inside that booth...that wasn't me. Dear God, what have I done?" The magical voting booth was reportedly only one of many unexplained Election Day phenomena, which included the sudden disappearance of 6,000 ballots from the state of Florida.

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