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Politics

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Magical Voting Booth Transforms Clearheaded Americans Into Reactionist Morons

DENVER—A voting booth stationed at the fifth district municipal center in Denver possesses the otherworldly power to transform rational Americans into impulsive and narrow-minded morons, sources reported Tuesday. According to election officials, just by stepping inside the magical booth and drawing its curtain shut, well-informed Americans are suddenly altered, their ability to reason without bias or prejudice vanishing into thin air. "It was like I became this completely different person—someone afraid of Mexicans stealing his job, of admitting defeat in Iraq, of finally going against the status quo," said Michael Walker, one of the thousands of voters momentarily transformed by the mystical enclosure. "The man who pulled the lever inside that booth...that wasn't me. Dear God, what have I done?" The magical voting booth was reportedly only one of many unexplained Election Day phenomena, which included the sudden disappearance of 6,000 ballots from the state of Florida.

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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