Magnanimous Banker Hires Occupy Wall Street Protesters

In This Section

Vol 47 Issue 46

Prescription: Bedtime

CBS 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST This week's episode of the hit medical drama once again lulls the nation's fiftysomething moms to fall asleep on the couch, while the "code blue" commotion at the end is just loud enough to rouse them, make them l...

Smooth Transaction At DMV Exaggerated Into Story Anyway

ALBANY, NY—Though he spent no more than 20 minutes at the Department of Motor Vehicles Tuesday getting his driver's license renewed, Dan Nesbitt, 27, decided to embellish his experience anyway, saying he was mistakenly given the wrong form to fill o...

High Integrity, Moral Decency Has Cost Idiot Man Millions

CHARLESTON, SC—With its firm grounding in honesty, loyalty to friends, and a strong spirit of generosity, the asinine ethical code of Kevin Premus has cost the 42-year-old idiot millions of dollars over the years, reports confirmed Friday. The moron...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Innovation

Healthy Eating

Magnanimous Banker Hires Occupy Wall Street Protesters

'I Like Your Pluck!' Says Gracious Plutocrat

NEW YORK—Saying the recently arrested protesters had just the right kind of tenacity and pluck needed to shake up the financial services industry, magnanimous and benevolent Morgan Stanley banker Hank Billings approached members of the Occupy Wall Street movement Tuesday morning and hired each and every one of them on the spot. "This is exactly the kind of self-starting, 'won't go home till the job's done' kind of attitude I like to see," said the gracious Billings, claiming that he had grown to admire "the cut of [the activists'] jib" since the movement began in mid-September and that "moxie such as [theirs]" should not go unrewarded. "You all were out there every day, giving it everything you had, and by God if you ever took no for an answer. Sure, you all took some digs at me, but who needs a bunch of yes-men standing around, anyway?" Billings then reportedly smiled, shook each protester's hand, and said he would see them all in the office "bright and early Monday morning," noting that a personal history of lawbreaking had never hindered anyone's career on Wall Street.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More