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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Magnanimous Banker Hires Occupy Wall Street Protesters

'I Like Your Pluck!' Says Gracious Plutocrat

NEW YORK—Saying the recently arrested protesters had just the right kind of tenacity and pluck needed to shake up the financial services industry, magnanimous and benevolent Morgan Stanley banker Hank Billings approached members of the Occupy Wall Street movement Tuesday morning and hired each and every one of them on the spot. "This is exactly the kind of self-starting, 'won't go home till the job's done' kind of attitude I like to see," said the gracious Billings, claiming that he had grown to admire "the cut of [the activists'] jib" since the movement began in mid-September and that "moxie such as [theirs]" should not go unrewarded. "You all were out there every day, giving it everything you had, and by God if you ever took no for an answer. Sure, you all took some digs at me, but who needs a bunch of yes-men standing around, anyway?" Billings then reportedly smiled, shook each protester's hand, and said he would see them all in the office "bright and early Monday morning," noting that a personal history of lawbreaking had never hindered anyone's career on Wall Street.

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