adBlockCheck

Sports

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
End Of Section
  • More News

Magnanimous Boss, King Of Kings, Allows Employees To Watch World Cup In Office

BOULDER, CO—In a glorious display of his infinite compassion and charity, sources within PLG Marketing Group confirmed Tuesday that the great and magnanimous CEO Daniel Weiss, King of Kings, will allow his employees to freely watch the World Cup semifinal match on a television in the office. “If anyone is interested, today’s World Cup game will be on in the small conference room, so feel free to stop by,” His Grace, The Wise And Benevolent, The Giver Of All Things, reportedly wrote in a company-wide email, reaching down from on high to bestow upon his disciples the splendid fruits of their labor. “The game starts at 2, so be sure to finish up your work before then. Go Germany!” At press time, PLG’s entire staff was quietly debating whether to watch the match in the conference room or to simply stream it discreetly on their computers as they have been doing for the entire tournament thus far.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close