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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.
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Magnanimous Boss, King Of Kings, Allows Employees To Watch World Cup In Office

BOULDER, CO—In a glorious display of his infinite compassion and charity, sources within PLG Marketing Group confirmed Tuesday that the great and magnanimous CEO Daniel Weiss, King of Kings, will allow his employees to freely watch the World Cup semifinal match on a television in the office. “If anyone is interested, today’s World Cup game will be on in the small conference room, so feel free to stop by,” His Grace, The Wise And Benevolent, The Giver Of All Things, reportedly wrote in a company-wide email, reaching down from on high to bestow upon his disciples the splendid fruits of their labor. “The game starts at 2, so be sure to finish up your work before then. Go Germany!” At press time, PLG’s entire staff was quietly debating whether to watch the match in the conference room or to simply stream it discreetly on their computers as they have been doing for the entire tournament thus far.

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